Same song, second verse.

And after a while, being ‘ok’ wasn't an act anymore. Everything was basically back to normal.
Because if there’s one thing I’m good at… it’s being myself. 

I like love songs. But I've never lived one before.

Video clip might be here.

LBD video clip here

EA video clip here

I have always loved these types of scenes. 

But being on the receiving end of such sentiments is a totally different experience.

The grand eternal scheme

Sometimes I cite my age and insist that I'm an "adult."

But psychologically, I'm still very much a child.

I watched the world spin 'round the sun -a stunning thing to see.

 Though I was at least a little shocked it didn't revolve 'round me!

I'm starting to realize just how much things can change in just a short amount of time.

This realization was brought on by a couple of key events in my life recently. For example, I am on the last few pages of my journal. I am an avid- though not steady- journal writer. It comes and goes in bursts (and Liz knows that I over-use the term 'entirely too late' in relation to my sleeping habits), but I've always managed to get the important stuff in there. 

This TARDIS journal, with its pages almost filled, covers just over a year of my life, from the week before I left for my Freshman year of college to the weeks before I leave to serve a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

In the grand eternal scheme of things, a year is chump change. But this was my first year away from home. The year I went to college. The year I made life-long friends in the form of roommates. It was the year my sister met and married Spencer. It was the year my cousins had children, my grandmother died, my childhood friends got serious boyfriends and my brother passed 6ft. This year changed my life, in so many ways. 

All of this happened in one year. 12 months. 525,600 minutes. 

A lot can happen in a year.

Originally, the thought of taking an 18 month hiatus from my normal life and routine didn't really phase me. It's just 18 months. It isn't two years. I won't miss much.

Only now do I realize just how much I will, unavoidably, miss.

My friend Melissa really loves this guy she's dating. She wants me to be her maid of honor but I'm starting to doubt... I don't think she can hold off that long.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then... I can't be there for everything.

Eliza will graduate. She'll go to college. Essentially, she will be living the life that I just left. And that's HUGE.

Little Melissa will be in Junior High.

David might have had his first date.

Cousins will date, marry, and start families of their own.

My favorite TV shows will come back on the air, movies will be made and released. 

I've been laboring under the delusion that the world would sort-of pause while I was gone and then kindly resume the moment I got back. And now that I know I will have to miss so many of these things a small part of me starts to wonder, is it worth it?

I hadn't finished asking the question before I knew its answer. Yes. Yes, of course it's worth it. Above is a catalogs of my potential losses. Really, I should focus on what I'll gain.

Experience living abroad.

Fluency in a foreign language.

Appreciation for a new culture.

A greater love for people.

Discipline.

Spiritual growth.

Blessings. Blessings for EVERYONE.

And more that I can't anticipate.

Yes. Things will change while I'm gone. And one of those things... will be me.

The dry day draws its end within a sinful, starless night.
-Life in Las Vegas

Words that aren't mine

Isn't it a strange thing to think that every book ever published -every story ever written, every essay ever eked out, every song lyric sappy poem silly rhyme and gushing love note ever left on paper, parchment, wood, or cloth- is just a different combination of 26 letters and assorted simple punctuation?

The basic building blocks of language are the same, be it a Shakespearean sonnet or a Hallmark card.

So how can I call any of these words mine?

In her own skin

"Alayna, do you think I'm fat?"

I stop whatever I was doing at the bathroom sink to stare at her reflection in the mirror. I call her "little Melissa" because she's my little sister... but also because there are a lot of other Melissa's in my life and I needed a way to keep them straight. To be honest, the nick-name doesn't really fit. She's already far taller than any of us were at her age (and we've never been 'short'), and it's even more apparent as she stands in mock nonchalance by the door frame.  

I have to answer her question, I know that, but I'm hesitant. I know that what I say in this moment -whatever my answer to her question is- could follow her through her life. That's just how girls work. I knew a girl of average weight and build (honestly, she might even be considered thin) who was insecure and self-conscious all through her tween and mid-teen years just because her family members teased her about being fat. I don't think that they were ever serious, but it didn't matter. The damage was done. 

I keep my breathing steady, trying hard not to let her see any extra hesitance or tension in my manner. You see, I never learned how to say something like this to a ten year old girl.

After the pause of another nervous moment, I say, "I think you are growing" in a voice so casual it borders on boredom. 

And really, it's true. It used to be that she wasn't very 'size conscious.' If a pair of my shorts ended up in her laundry basket, she'd don a belt and wear them around as Capris without being any the wiser. I guess those days are gone. I won't miss her days of poor fashion sense -packing her clothes myself when we went on trips because I knew what matched and fit her better than she did- but it's another phase of childhood that she's growing out of. And I remember it, too. I remember when I thought wildly patterned shorts with matching tops were the coolest things ever and that yellow socks completed every outfit. But eventually we all have to grow up and learn the ways of the world. Its just coming up a little quickly on me. 

She's still standing there in the doorway. Her dark hair -so different from my own- frames her young face and her recently cut bangs form a harsh line in the middle of her forehead. Her dark eyes -brown like mine were when I was young- are still trained on mine, so I know I have to say something else. I mean, I guess she has that 'childhood pudge' but she's also wearing training bras now... though I don't feel the need to mention that. Oh well, here goes nothing.

"Honey, there are a lot of different body types, none of them are 'right' and none of them are 'wrong,' and it doesn't really matter. Sometimes you can't control it, and most of the time, that's ok." I'm grasping at philosophical straws, and I know it. But I hope that somewhere in my pile of words, she can hear the needle of truth: You are a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. He created you in His image. Your body is a Temple for your beautiful soul, and it's what's on the inside that counts. 

Be comfortable in your own skin. It doesn't matter what I think, or what anyone else says. Accept yourself and your body for the miracle that they really are.

This is what I hope she heard, though it isn't quite what I said. If I had said all that I probably would have freaked her out with my sudden seriousness, so I guess it's better this way.

I guess, I hope I said (or she heard) something right, because after another brief moment she nods, bobbed hair jerking, and walks back to her room.

I am nine years older than little Melissa. Sometimes I call her "Baby Girl," which once thoroughly confused the kids in the swim team I coached and she was in. Maybe it's time for, and maybe she's earned another name. But I think it should be of her choosing. 

And I think she'll be fine.   

Memes and LOTR

As a girl of very strong opinions, I sometimes find myself in passionate arguments. Recently, rather than totally stamping on the feelings of a friend, I decided to -as Elsa would say- "let it go."

But, if I had carried on an argument, I would have liked to do it entirely with internet memes.
It would have gone something like...

In conclusion...