The Unwelcome Friend

You've trespassed long upon our kindness.
Go! Darken someone else's door.
Wear out someone else's welcome;
we can't quite stand you anymore.

Disgraced our homely sanctuary,
complained, belittled, and I've found
that 'though your daily insult varies,
we really don't want you around.

The pretense of your presence
is nothing more than vainity.
Your rants offend all common sense
and drive us to insanity.

You speak; the empathy and pity
that you seek, won't come from here.
Your entreaties run quite lengthy
and now fall on hardened ears.

We will not tolerate or entertain

you, or your narrow-minded thoughts.

Have we not, in subtlety, made it plain?

You've never acted as you ought.

Had you ever been considerate, 

shown respect, 

or just a smidge of it.

Then I might have felt some dissonance,
but no,

In this one thing I am sure, and must implore:

Do not come knocking anymore.

A Moment Like This

I am curled up comfortably on the couch, leisurely turning the pages of a novel. Friends and roommates meander about, making cheerful conversation. Christmas music floats through the warm, bright air which mixes with the steady but gentle steam rising from the mug in front of me. I lean forward to take a sip. As my always-cold fingers touch the warm ceramic, I remember.

I remember dreaming of a moment like this.
It is a very different night. I am walking down the cold Spanish street. My steady exhale adds temporary warmth to the air in front of me, thawing my frozen nose for a moment—but just a moment. I breathe in—the air so cold and clear that I almost choke—and expel another smoky cloud of warmth. The humid air chills me to the bones and worsens with every new weak gust of wind. My cold toes lost feeling long ago and I walk, numbly kicking against the groves of cobblestone.
The two of us are the only figures to be seen in this silent, empty street. We walk quickly, but in no certain direction. A heavy darkness fills the night, broken only by the intermittent streetlamps' sickly yellow pools of light and the fleeting warm rectangles of opened doors. Occasionally, other figures will dart by: they do not want to talk, they are not often kind. I try not to count the minutes until we can go inside; I try not to get discouraged. As I look up, past the brilliant stars to the familiar, luminescent moon, the desperate longing of a single, simple human need fills me—I want to be warm. And somewhere behind my conscious thought, a warm dream forms. It is revisited many times in the most intense moments of the winter nights that follow.

And now that warm dream is my reality. I look back on those nights I thought would never end and I see only distant memories. Was it really a year or more ago? In a weird conundrum, my heart bursts with gratitude at the memory of those moments, awful and eternal as they seemed at the time. I marvel at how quickly they vanished and life rolled on. My reflections in this unexpected flashback have given me a precious, unexpected gift: perspective. Though that hard time is gone from me in all but memory, others will rise—and indeed, have risen—to take its place. But I am armed with confidence in a simple truth learned from my reflections on a moment in the cold Spanish street, and I know, “this too shall pass.”

To My Dear Friend at the Loss of her Mother

My Dear Friend,

I do not know your pain. I have not had a loss that great and my mind refuses to imagine it. Even if I could, the myriad differences in the details of our lives decry the injustice of such a comparison. Your pain and grief are uniquely your own just as your strengths and memories are. I do not endeavor to empathize fully, but in my limited way... I want to try. I want to lend my support and share what strengthened me.

You have been so strong. I saw you a couple days before and you were still the same loving and positive girl that I admire so much. You did not wear your worry on your sleeves. You have planned and taken care of so many things, you have overcome great fears.

I lost Eduardo, I lost my Grandmother. These were the things that comforted me:

Alma 40:11 Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.
12 And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.

1. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:  A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again. (Ecclesiastes 3:1,2,20.)

Revelations 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

"So if you've died and crossed the stream before us, we pray that angels met you on the shore, and you'll look down and gently you'll implore us to live, so we may see your smiling face once more."

[From “Danny Boy” 3rd verse.]

It took me a while to cry over my losses. I grieve in a very distinct way, and maybe you do, too. We know about the plan of salvation. You know you have a loving Heavenly Father with a perfect plan. You can count on it.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Alayna

17 Goals for 2017

Yes, it's a lame excuse, but I was too busy in the first week of January to actually think about what kind of goals I want to make for 2017. Unfortunately, the excuse of business often robs the well-intended mind of success and progress. So I'm making this last ditch effort to write some goals, and by posting, hold myself to them. 

17 goals for 2017, set on January 17th.

1) Compassion: Judge Not.
It was mentioned a lot when I was visiting home over the break, the idea of having a word as the theme of the year- something you need to work on, something to focus on.

2) Read from the Book of Mormon and other scriptures at least 15 minutes every day (minimum), target 45. 

3) Expand spiritual literature- Read a book written by prophets and apostles with the goal to finish one a month (flex time to two months for larger texts)

• Daughters in Our Kingdom
• Jesus the Christ
• etc.

4) Shoot for 8 hours of sleep every night (at least average 7).

5) Become a better steward of my time- scheduling better, cut back on social media, etc.

6) Date more, flirt more, get to be friends with guys.

(help with this goal will be much appreciated)

7) Write a weekly note to a friend/ make a surprise phone call/ share a memory or positive thought. (Make new friends but keep the old.) Write missionaries more often (at LEAST monthly) and include members and converts from my mission.

8) Return to journaling- The most successful continuous effort I've had is when I would write once a week, about my week. I'd like to re-instate that. Maybe instead of focusing on individual days, relating big events or something that I learned/re-learned.

9) Nurture one-on-one relationships with family members.

10) Try a couple things that go outside my comfort zone- say "yes" once in a while. 

11) Continue weekly temple attendance. 

12) Write more- other than school assigned stuff: preparing things for submission, NaNoWriMo, and publication (probably for BYU journals, don't get too excited).

13) Exercise- Swim once a week (at least) and exercise at least 15 minutes a day otherwise.

14) Develop useful skills: re-learn how to crochet, pay attention when Dad talks about car stuff, painting and things around the house.

15) Study Christ (like Elder Nelson challenged us in the Worldwide Youth Devotional).

16) Read novels not assigned to school- classics and cultural favorites. Goal for at least one a month (see #3).

17) Return to the arts: I used to sing, I used to paint, I used to draw, doodle, craft, and take pictures. I'd like to do some of that again. 

Well? Wish me luck!

Thanksgiving Daily

President Monson's Gratitude Talk- encourages us to be grateful for certain things in our lives. I've thought about them in my own. All the quotes below are from this talk, which I encourage everyone to read and reflect on in this day of thanksgiving.

"Well could we reflect upon our lives as individuals. We will soon discover much to prompt our personal gratitude."

Our Mothers 

 “God could not be everywhere, and so He gave us mothers.”

I'm so grateful for my own angel mother. I'm grateful that she taught me by example what is truly important in life. She is a true teacher, doctor, and role model. Another example of patience, strength, and love is my "mission mom," Hermana Manwill. These mothers made sure I started out life right, and have been there all along the way when I falter and question.

Our Fathers

"Father, like Mother, is ever willing to sacrifice his own comfort for that of his children. Daily he toils to provide the necessities of life, never complaining, ever concerned for the well-being of his family. This love for children, this desire to see them well and happy, is a constant in a time of change." My own dear father is the true Clark Kent, a mild mannered auto-mechanic (magician might be a better word). Another Father figure I'm grateful for is my Mission President. He has always inspired me to be better and his love for those present is a tangible presence in whatever room he's in.

Our Teachers

An average teacher either loves his students, his subject, or himself. But the best does all three. I've had so many of the best kinds of teachers. They taught me to believe in myself, they opened up and taught me about the world, and they helped me discover my passions and talents.

Our Friends

"Friends are the family you make for yourself." My friends have stayed by my side through thick and thin, have shaped me in so many ways, have inspired me and have brought so much light and fun into my life. They put up with my quirks and play along with my quoting tendencies. I just couldn't say enough about them (all good things, all good things). "True friends put up with our idiosyncrasies. They have a profound influence in our lives."

 

And SO  many more not pictured...

Our Country

Patriotism: "The feelings of heartfelt gratitude for the supreme sacrifice made by so many cannot be confined to a Memorial Day, a military parade, or a decorated grave." I'm so proud to be an American. We have a rich history. Though we're far from perfect, we have SO much to be grateful for. God bless the US! I will also be eternally grateful for the mission I served in Spain and the people there that made their way into my heart.

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ

"He taught us how to pray. He taught us how to live. He taught us how to die. His life is a legacy of love." He is our Redeemer, the giver of second-chances (and third, and fourth...), and I love Him. 

"Let us follow Him. Let us emulate His example. Let us obey His word. By so doing, we give to Him the divine gift of gratitude. My sincere prayer is that we may, in our individual lives, reflect that marvelous virtue: an attitude of gratitude."

I was Barcelona Bound

This stuff is really old now. Looking through, I don't even remember half of it.... and I wrote it. 

So what have I been up to the past year or so? I served as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And it was wonderful.
A full accounting of that was given on my mission blog, run by my mother while I was away. It's worth a look. Barcelona Bound

To say that the mission was a big part of my life is an understatement. It made me who I am today. Looking back at this blog helps me see the stranger that I used to be. And now I have the interesting conundrum of combining the best parts of the two and making me.
Letters to missionaries, continued mission stories and other such things will still be posted on Barcelona Bound, my mission blog. 

Other events, spiritual experiences, rants, aha-moments, musings and, well, scattered thoughts might again make their way onto this blog in the future. 

To those who question

But, tell me right now (how by actions and etc) you believe this church is true? How do you know? I'm a firm believer in the scripture "by their fruits you shall know them." (Matthew 7:20) Even if you can't say that you 100% KNOW that the Church and all it teaches is true, if you have doubts and second-thoughts, that's ok! Where do you start in gaining a deep-seeded testimony? It starts with the small things. I know that the lifestyle the church teaches is a happy one, that by keeping the commandments-even from a secular viewpoint- we are blessed to avoid much of the heartache, despair and emptiness that plagues the human race. I can see retroactively (and currently) how living the gospel and keeping the faith has blessed my family. As I have acted (done the "right" things and keep the commandments) all the points of the gospel have only been confirmed to me. I have also had the Spirit confirm to me in my mind and my heart (in unplanned moments) that it really is true. A shiver down my spine, inspired thought, or just a good feeling. And I can't deny it.The church is true. I Know it, I live it, I love it.
How do you know that people that don't have the Gospel in their lives are completely unhappy? I have family members who are inactive, but they are happy with their lives..I never said that people who don't have the Gospel in their lives are completely unhappy. I don't believe they are. It is possible to be happy without it, and many people are. But the gospel is perspective changing- it opens your mind and understanding of what real, enduring happiness is made of. You can be happy in life. But the gospel brings joy. And that is the difference. Happiness- as Charlie Brown so wisely puts it, can be many things, including: Two kinds of ice cream, learning to whistle, being alone every now and then, coming home again, anyone or anything at all that's loved by you. (Happiness lyrics) All of those things bring a very real, but temporary, happiness. My mother explained it in this way, "Happiness is eating chocolate. It's great in the moment. Joy is knowing that you have a large stash of chocolate, and that you can access it whenever you want to." Happiness can be fleeting, Joy is ever-lasting, and although you are not promised happiness in EVERY moment of your life (it is a testing period, after all) we are promised joy here and hereafter- remember, we're in it for the eternities. There was a recent conference talk (which I now embarrassingly cannot find) which talked about how there are many saints doing "everything right" and yet are facing almost unparalleled opposition and then other people who aren't following what we would call the "gospel path" seem to be living easy, happy, lives. This does not, in any way signify that the gospel doesn't bring a happy life- rather we hold on, using gospel principles to carry us through and build our faith in troubled time, rising ever-better off in a future day. The gospel bring purpose and perspective that gives us peace in trials and joy in the (sometimes difficult) journey.

Why is there one true church? Is there even a thing? Just as in law, we seek "The whole truth, the FULL truth, and nothing but the truth," it is of even greater importance to have the whole/full/nothing but the truth in our spiritual lives. How could we exercise faith in the atonement without a complete knowledge of the Savior? How could we "press on" and hope for a better word if we didn't know what it contained? Most importantly, we could NOT make essential covenants and ordinances without the restored priesthood power and the temples. In confusion we "wander in darkness" seeking the Lord's light. Also, God is not the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33), but rather he brings about the gospel in each dispensation as a means to clear out confusion, clarify and complete his doctrine, and establish again (for OUR benefit) His true church upon the Earth.

Yes, it is very much "a thing." And THIS is it.

Why do people in the church make you feel bad about yourself if you go inactive or completely leave it?

I will always remember two things that my mother always said.1) "No one can MAKE you FEEL a certain way." It is we, who choose to take offense, feel anger, or be saddened. Even if the things which were said or done were done with the intent to cause that reaction, the power to react inevitably lies in YOUR hands. I cannot make a blanket statement about why something makes you feel some way; it's a personal discovery, though I might add that in most cases, offense is given unintentionally. 2) "The Church is true, the gospel is perfect, and the Saints are trying." I am sorry that you feel as if members are shaming you for the choices you have decided to make. Please try to see it from a different perspective; As church members, we consider ourselves part of an eternal family. (Brother and "Sister" are so much more than titles.) And through the time we spend together, through service and as we jointly journey on in the quest for Christ-like attributes, we come to truly love one another. It's like having a sister leave the family. You have to respect her choices but you're saddened to experience the distance that will inevitably follow. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we know the way to salvation because it has been revealed and taught to us in scriptures and through prophets. It's hard to see someone stray from that path. Out of love- not out of self-righteousness or judgement, we reach out with "love unfeigned." Doctrine and Covenants 121:41

In the end, salvation is personal. But we're here to help each other reach it.
I hope you can find again the happiness that lasts.
I hope these answers helped and that you will continue to seek and find your own answers through prayer. God loves you. He will answer you. Have an open heart and be patient.

Love and prayers,

-A friend.