Jane Austen's Writing Desk.

There is a room in the British Library called the “Treasures exhibit.” Each section boasts its small wonders, and simply placed between Jane Eyre and Kubla Khan sits a plain, wooden writing desk.  

It isn’t much to look at—just a dark, nondescript wooden border surrounding a simple, angled surface. Even the brass of the hinges, lock, and tiny inkpot glint only dully through the glass. It is a literary relic, just a piece of furniture that Jane Austen used. But I stared at that desk, awash in waves of emotion, pulling meaning from the woodgrain.   

Though separated by 200 years and a thick sheet of glass, I felt the love and support of her father; a father much like mine, who gave her that desk and encouraged her writing ambitions in a time when so few would have. I saw the shadow of Cassandra, sketching figures for Jane’s stories and supporting her like only a true sister can, the way my sister does. 

I stood in awe, remembering each timeless classic that had been etched out upon that wooden slat, unable to fully express what those novels have meant to me. I constantly encounter her characters, as my cousin lives like Lydia and my little sister mimics Mary. I have sometimes dodged a Colins or befriended a Mr. Bingley. Jane’s witty scenes help me humor my Mrs. Bennet and weather John Middleton’s well-meaning blows. But what’s more, I have framed my own pain in the plots of her precious novels.  

I have suffered an Elinor’s anguish from a silent, distant Edward; And I know the blow of a “badly done, Emma,” given by a long-term friend. And I felt all of Lizzie’s bitterness when I saw my Charlotte settle. But living through these moments was bearable, because an Austen heroine had paved my way before.  

 And so I stood—enveloped in a timeless moment at the summit of emotion. And I stared, with increasingly watery eyes, at something that was just a desk, but symbolized a life and a work that was deeply connected to my own. My final surging feeling was of gratitude to Jane, for what she’d given me: a life enriched by stories, her wisdom and her wit, and a borrowed understanding of human characteristics and behavior.  

The moment passed—all moments do. But the memory of it still surges vibrantly in my soul’s center.  

Education in the Margins 2018

We often see professors as experts in their field, but they are often also full of sage life advice, recommendations, and silly quotes. Below is a collection of Winter 2018's little thoughts and comments: education in the margins. 

Sci-fi (lit and film):

The written word=you can know thoughts vs. film=you can see and hear

Book-to-film adaptation is a surgical art.

Almost anything that happens in a film is potentially meaningful.

That man is playing Pokémon. He didn’t think we’d notice. But we did.

Hey David Een, you’re taller than the guy who played Vader.

Most meta moment of my life: watching The Day the Earth Stood Still and the time shown is the same time on the clock in our classroom.

Bernard Herman (created sci-fi music).

Guillermo del Toro was obsessed with Creature from the Black Lagoon and wanted there to be a version where the fish-man gets the girl. I give you Shape of Water.  

Editing:

“Just Give me a Reason”: explaining why you want to keep it, understanding why you should change it.

Authors appropriate wisdom to their characters.

Brit lit:

The issue is that sometimes myths are just other people’s truths.

Dylan Thomas poems: death is always in the subtext. Vernon Watkins: Wales is always in the subtext—ancient, beautiful, and haunted.

The ocean is a symbol for continuity and chaos.

Robert Frost and R.S. Thomas: Seem ordinary, but if you mine the simple phrases, you’ll hit profound meaning.

Steeped vs. layered in symbolism

Wales: A people warming their hands on the ashes of the past.

In some mining towns, the master owned the only clock, controlling even the minutes in the worker’s lives.

Steel=first blush of industrialism

Drinking deep from the authorial fallacy.

Icebergs are the hallmark of a great writer, rewarding those who explore the depths.

I don’t even know if my fingers will remember the keys…

The choice of narrator is always important

Eloquence in stubbornness (Border Country)

Publishing is so subjective.

Pursue the things that people care about.

SPOPL:

A lot of times, people just want to be heard.

Introversion was my secret and my strength

Don’t condemn your feelings

“You’re technically always motivated toward something, it just doesn’t always align with what needs to be done.”

“Idea debt” is wearing yourself down thinking about the action before you even take it.

Family Virtue Passion Humor Beauty

Creative Writing:

Everything is on the page for a reason

Art is theft: Everything’s a remix

Conveying information is boring in art.

We sacrifice convention for invention. –Manning poems

Ultimately, you still need to serve the project.

Free from the pressure of paying attention

Only about 20 lines of our 3,000 lines of daily conversation are worth writing.

“I am a convert to the character”

There’s a lot of work, but no lost work. It all means something somehow

Actors speak beyond who they really are all the time. So do writers.

You can’t really escape setting, no matter what you do.

All plots are a death march

Find the wisdom in front of you

You might be tempted to say “I can’t remember anything from my childhood, there’s nothing there.” No. Just try.

Advice:

“If you want to leave your worries behind you, try it” -Professor Perry on reading the Book of Mormon for stress-management.

Writers need to know that it’s going to be a rough go.

You can make your career, but it’s the work you come back to that must be what matters.

Giving the context of the other arguments is already halfway to a “so what.”

Don’t go crazy telling people how novel your idea is; let your insight speak for itself.

Don’t burn bridges. Don’t be afraid to ask questions (they can lead to great things). Keep your priorities and try.

Work to develop an openness to possibilities.

Quotes:

“It’s so bad, but it’s made with so much love and care, and somehow that makes it better.” Professor Perry

“One of the few ways to get fired from BYU is to break copyright laws.”—Professor Eastley

“Fiction feeds our desires to be really, really special.”—Professor Eastley

“I read the words and the words were nice.”—Professor Eastley on trying to understand Dylan Thomas

“If you can’t play Quidditch, you’re nobody.”—Professor Eastley

“First of all, are all Lemuels evil?”—class member

“He ran out of time: he died.”—Professor Eastley, explaining why Raymond Williams’ book is unfinished.

“It’s beautiful how eloquent plain speech in a paper can be.”—Professor Eastley

“People aren’t disposable.” –Becca. It’s not fair to erase contact just because you were offended.

“If I have another daughter, my comma life changes” –Professor Baker (no longer being able to use appositives). And then… he had another daughter.

“I have daffodils poking out on my porch , so that’s pretty awesome.” –Professor Baker.

“I love preparing people for their careers. Guys. Go forth and be awesome.” –Professor Baker.

“Two-year-olds say ‘no’. You just want to say, don’t you know I have a PhD? You should call me Dr. Dad!”

“I’ve had many comments of admiration and surprise regarding my attire.” –Professor Belnap

“I think you should aim high” –Professor Mason

When you’re talking about errors, you inevitably start making them.

“I can make my bread and win it, too” –Eliza, talking about Women in Business

“Money spent on books doesn’t count” –Publisher’s mom

“Read. Write. Be Kind.” –J. Adams

I used to feel this way and now I feel this way. “What unites us all is the struggle in between.” –Professor Tidwell

“Everyone’s got stuff. Everyone. When the weather changes in your internal world, acknowledge it and make the necessary adjustments.” –Dallas Jensen

“College is the last think in the clearly-defined script for your life. From here on out, it’s a choose-your-own-adventure novel.” –Dallas Jensen

“This source is in crayon. I’m not sure how credible it is.” –Professor Mason on footnoting citations

“Have I told you what I do when I go home at five? Whatever I want!” –Dallas Jensen, how life in a career is easier than life in college

“I like to write polished drafts and then finesse them.” –Professor Eastley

Ego is the anesthesia for stupidity

I’d rather have you aim high and miss than aim low and hit.

My musings:

A poet never retires because the images never let you go.

Rey could be from a Welsh poem—wanting awesome parents.

People don’t turn down the golden ticket.

Marvel characters are slowly losing the looks/objects that defined them and discovering a different kind of raw, unaided self.

“The sea was not wide then” –a time of old tales

I add my ink to everything

Can you really have that many fingers on a single pulse?

Sometimes we speak through omission; sometimes we place with empty space.

Nibblings=siblings kids (a cross between siblings and nieces/nephews)

We don’t write thankful notes anymore

Recommendations/Favorites:

E. M Forster’s “Howard’s End”

“His Girl Friday”

“Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night” Dylan Thomas poem

“Autumn Elegy” Leslie Norris poem. Storing up summer and all it brings.

Marilyn Roberts: best prose writer of today (psychology of people)

“I am a Warrior Goddess”—Child empowerment book

“Tonight Dough” Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor

Wirecutters/sweethomes: website for maximizers

Grad school and associate professorship

Brandon Sanderson: “Steelheart”

Start reading the British news, "The Guardian"
"The Atonement" and "The Queen" (British Films)

Additional Sunday Insights

In the first church meeting today, one of the speakers talked about we need to focus on feeling the music of the gospel (probably alluding to this conference talk) in addition to focusing on the doctrinal dance steps. 

Taking it one step further and internalizing it, I had this thought:

I know all the steps... but I'm not a great dancer. I often get off track. But as long as I can still hear the music, I know that I can always join back in and start the steps again. It's only when I lose the music that I'm really lost: The spirit is more important than the letter of the law.

I sometimes have trouble focusing in church, my creative brain getting easily distracted and wandering on to other topics. When I have a secular song stuck in my head during an experience that is supposed to be sacred, I often try to turn the song on its head and find gospel connections. That's what led to my reinterpretation of this song from The Greatest Showman as Eve's story. Enjoy.

 

"Tightrope" from The Greatest Showman

Some people long for a life that is simple and planned

Tied with a ribbon (Satan's counterfeit, agency-less plan)

Some people won't sail the sea 'cause they're safer on land

To follow what's written 

But I'd follow you to the great unknown (The Earth, earth-life)

Off to a world we call our own

Hand in my hand and we promised to never let go (Adam and Eve, supposed to stay together)

We're walking the tightrope

High in the sky

We can see the whole world down below (Helped create the world)

We're walking the tightrope (Between the two contradicting commandments)

Never sure, never know how far we could fall (THE Fall)

But it's all an adventure

That comes with a breathtaking view (Eden was pretty)

Walking the tightrope

With you, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

With you, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

With you

Mountains and valleys, and all that will come in between

Desert and ocean

You pulled me in and together we're lost in a dream (Eve was created from Adam's rib)

Always in motion

So I risk it all just to be with you (Ate the fruit so that they could be parents)

And I risk it all for this life we choose (The choice to fall)

Hand in my hand and you promised to never let go

We're walking the tightrope

High in the sky

We can see the whole world down below

We're walking the tightrope

Never sure, will you catch me if I should fall? (Will you join me if I fall?)

Well, it's all an adventure

That comes with a breathtaking view

Walking the tightrope

With you...

This has been #hermanaEeninsights. Thank you and goodnight.

Education in the Margins: Fall 2017

Any teacher, good or bad, can teach you more than the assigned subject-matter--if you pay attention. If I want to review specifics of my course, I can open my notebook and read through the pages. But scrawled in the margins of my notebooks are these life lessons that shouldn't be buried away. Welcome to the second edition of my 'Education in the Margins.'  (First edition is here.)

Classes

Shakespeare:

“How like a winter hath my absence been from thee” (Sonnet 97)

Where there’s a Will, there’s another will. (Looking at Shakespeare’s will)

Sonnet 55 could have been J.K Rowlings’ inspiration for horcruxes.

Merchant of Venice: “If exact compliance to the law (perfection) was required, we’d all be damned.”

“In a Shakespearean comedy, you’ll get two, three, even four couples… and one single person.” I AM that single person.

Assembling a cast of Measure for Measure using Star Wars Characters: Leia (Isabel), Luke (Claudio), Han (Duke), C3pO (Lucio), Padme (Marianna), Anikan (Angelo), Obiwan (Escalus), Chewbaca (Jailer), R2D2 (actual friar).

Kenneth Branagh—casting himself as main characters and re-distributing the best lines to his character. A lot like Lockhart. #mostaccuratecastingchoiceever

Someone should do a performative run of “out-of-context” Shakespeare scenes, because Henry and Kate could be played as HUGELY manipulative.

When Shakespeare’s making a point, he’ll make the point (you don’t have to read much into it other than just reading it).

There is ALWAYS more on Learning Suite.

Macbeth: Everybody is so dang ambitious.

Careful what you speculate about the lives of Shakespeare’s characters off-stage.

Problems come when parents don’t actually say they love their children. #dontassume

#fantheory The Fool runs away. He’s Merlin.(Lear) 😉

King Lear as Humpty-Dumpty

“Daddy, tell me a sad story”—how we deal with real-life tragedies. After seeing a tragedy, with feelings so raw… you abound in love for everyone.

There is language in the very gesture.

Historical accuracy wasn’t really a concern.

Hermione is #notdead

‘Time’ in The Winter’s Tale would be GREAT if played by The Doctor (preferably David Tennant).

Grammar

The only people who still use overhead projectors are University ELANG professors.

Words are like people.

We give ourselves away by the way we speak when we say a lie.

An expletive is just a word or group of words that are considered unnecessary to the sentence (i.e: “There are”). Therefore, expletives are expletive.

Grammar class: Teaching what you already know subconsciously.

Not impressed with a gorilla who signs. We do so much more with language.

He often discusses his impending insanity and expresses his fears that his personification of words will make him hallucinate poltergeists in his old age.

Editing

She looks like Mrs. Molar

“Any correction of the speech or writing of others will contain at least one grammatical, spelling, or typographical error.” (McKan’s Law)

“Those who read inhale the music of language.” And their papers are generally better because of it.

Educated people that are wise are usually not condescending.

Bad romance novels are “brain candy.”

Even editors need editors.

Real writing comes in re-writing.

Pay attention to your own language use.

I love when people wield words well.

We try to be perfect when we’re editors, but we don’t have to be perfect with our lives.

We love language, we’re nerds: This is a safe place.

God is no respecter of persons. D&C Sec. 42. (verses 80 and on). It actually says “He or She” #nonsexistlanguage

People who were overzealous and ill-equipped put language rules in place, and now we’re stuck with them. Be careful who you trust and who you follow.

Dead men speak through writing #literarypresenttense

Politician: does what the people want to be re-elected; Statesman: has a moral/guiding star.

The purpose of editing: Clear, correct, and their voice.

Editing is not for the faint of heart.

STET: Editing mark meaning ‘ignore previous suggestion.’ Can I use that in my life advice, too?

Usage changes with time. If you stubbornly persist in saying it wrong, in a few decades, you could be right.

Clarity trumps everything.

You can learn a lot by reading awful writing.

Art isn’t a movie—you have to choose to depict a moment in a painting or sculpture.

No enduring standards, just passionate preferences.

A language only has as much prestige as those who speak it.

“Everyone is self-conscious of their language because they know it’s revealing, and they don’t want to be found wanting.”

“There is some tension in the language these days.”

‘A language is a dialect with an army and navy”

Writing Tutoring

We are seduced by sentences, but we don’t always see when substance is missing.

Advice:

Always under-promise and over-deliver.

Don’t over-apologize for language mistakes.

“Always make it at least as painful for them as it might be for you” #parentingtips #familyrulefollowthrough

Musings:

I’m probably Edgar—naive enough not to suspect, trusting enough to believe, heroic, and…single. (King Lear)

The sudden turn from jealousy to repentance isn’t too unbelievable. Every falsehood has a breaking point. (Winter’s Tale)

Sustaining a prophet includes praying for him

Is the legend of King Arthur in the Holinshed chronicles?

Take-away:

 Look up Ian Mcellen reading “Tomorrow” soliloquy.

“A Rhetorical English Grammar” by Kohln

Watch Hitchcock, “Rope”

What is a “best man?” Historically, it was a swordsman to fight off your wife’s exes. #themoreyouknow #futureshowergames

Silva Rhetoric: ALL the figures of speech!

Communication is key (what makes a tragedy a tragedy).

Each BYU building reflects the people who study there.

References aren’t inherently funny—we make them funny.

Women were made of a better substance. Men were made of dirt, so… (the Eve conundrum).

Grad school?

European Studies Minor?

Quotes: 

“The first ones are all ‘get married’ sonnets, or, as I call them, the BYU sonnets.” -Prof. Young

“Often what we call ‘reason’ is coming up with reasons to justify your self-serving actions” -Prof. Young

“I’ve said it so often I could probably say it in my sleep. I probably have…” (talking about satire). -Prof. Young

“I’m going to risk hospitalization here, because this is very important” -Prof. Young *preparing to read a favorite passage even though his voice is lost.

“That’s what it means to be a director—destroying Shakespeare” -Prof. Young

“You’re in the University to become a scholar. If you’re just interested in money, you might as well drop out.”-Zach

“You should all do more with writing than get grades for it. The reason we do this is because we love the words.”-Zach

 “Go ahead, go to bed angry; all you’re going to do is lose sleep if you stay awake.”-Zach

 “Maybe the stars don’t like being defied” -Eliza

“I actually prefer a little voice in your papers, so I don’t feel like I’m alone when I’m grading.” -Professor Harrison

 “Beware of Modals! They used to be real verbs…” why modals “haunt” us. -Prof. Oaks

I can deal with modals, I will deal with modals, and so you understand me perfectly, I have dealt with modals.” -D. Oaks.

“If you have a gospel question, just put it on a shelf—the answer will come in time.” -D.Oaks

“You are living in a time of language change” -D.Oaks

“I allow my kids a certain degree of grammar violation.” -Prof. Oaks

“I don’t try very hard to be cool, because I know it would never work.”-D. Oaks.

““That’s part of learning: you blow some brain circuits. But later, you go back and patch them up. My goal is to make your brain more wrinkly” -D. Oaks

“That’s where I got wrinkles on my forehead instead of on my brain.” -D. Oaks

I will not be intimidated by English grammar!” -D. Oaks

“If we’re looking at colons, that means we’re doing a colonoscopy” -D. Oaks *students: collective groan*

 “Men must endure their going hence, even as their coming hither.” (Lear, 5.2.9-11, also on C.S. Lewis’ tomb)

“You write about yourself because it is conclusive evidence that you have lived.”-Azur Nafisi

“Posterity shall never believe the romance of our lives” –Abigail Adams (different meanings of ‘romance.’ Not just ‘love life,’ but adventure, numinousness, and wonder.)

“If a group could stoop so low as to accept me into it, is it really that great?” -Neitch

Words: 

Mitigate

Numinous. 

Zombe: African word for ‘God’ is the root for our word ‘zombie.’

The Ultimate Veteran

 *overheard at church as I walked in with American Flag earrings*
"I wish I could be as passionate about something as Alayna is about holidays."
She's got a point. Holidays are a magical time where I wear my heart on my sleeves and ignore how loud or bright or crazy my outfits are. But the earrings and scarfs and stockings are just the outside manifestation of my deep love for these days, what they stand for, and the opportunities for unity they present us with.

This weekend, we observe Veterans Day. In order to honor something, we have to really understand it. While making a list of some of the qualities of veterans, I ended up with a really unique and meaningful conclusion that I'd like to share with you. Most of these are applicable to all Veterans who have served, but because I have a specific Veteran in mind please excuse my use of the masculine pronoun in my list.

The Ultimate Veteran

He served for those without the strength or power to save themselves.
He left his home to fight on foreign soil.
Some derided and devalued him; some esteemed him as a hero.
He willingly paid the ultimate price for many who will never really know him.
He didn't serve from a specific state (nation), but because he served, our state is forever changed.
He fought for our freedom....
...freedom from sin and pain and death.
His name is Jesus Christ.

This weekend, as we remember the veterans who serve and sacrifice with Christlike love, may we also remember Jesus Christ, the veteran of the world.
Veterans Day is a holiday.
But it can be a holy day, too.

Sunday Insights

In the mission I called them #HermanaEenTheories. Essentially, they are the little distilled "aha" moments of spiritual insight that come to me throughout the week and really should be shared so... enjoy these ones.

"Our lives are like a chessboard, and the Lord moves us from one place to another—if we are responsive to spiritual promptings. Looking back, we can see His hand in our lives." Ronald A. Rasband in "Divine Design"
Well, if life is like a chessboard, then I must be a knight because the moves are unpredictable and all avenues seem blocked and then hey! Suddenly I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Also, Ronald A. Rasband sounds like Dug, from Up. ( I think it's the roundness of his tone and the lack or contractions).

Sometimes I have to do FHME activities.

I want to have a knee-jerk reaction to the Spirit.

Other people's testimonies relating to the Reformers and another one including the seasons (we complain about the weather and the seasons--whichever ones we are in, we find something to complain about. We do the same things with the seasons in our lives. Let's not complain), I love to hear the different ways the gospel the truths are made manifest in the lives of others because I see them EVERYWHERE in mine.

Why did the early saints dedicate so much to the building of temples? It was the price of eternity.

The Gospel is the Golden Ratio of my life. I see it pieces and patterns in all aspects of life and creation.

Borrowed wisdom:
Elizabeth: Salvation is like a group project--you have to help each other out in order for your family to be together forever.
Eliza: If salvation is a group project, then Jesus is that person who will do all of the work and still let you get the good grade.

4th Nephi 1:17 "There were no robbers, nor murderers, neither were there Lamanites, nor any manner of -ites; but they were in one, the children of Christ, and heirs to the kingdom of God." Many of them may have been Lamanites by birth, so it wasn't a change in their parentage... rather, a decision not to have that be their primary identifier. Instead, they chose to identify first as "the children of Christ." What are the "-ites" in our lives? (BYUites, Datingites, Singleites, Disneyites, Missionites, etc.) But if we take away the ites, if we focus instead on what we have in common, if we "un-ite" ourselves... we will be UNITED in Christ.
- I was really excited to share this in my portion of the Relief Society class today and it was incredibly validating to hear the shocked gasps and verbal ahas (it even got a few claps). So it wasn't just me that was weirdly happy about this nerdy connection (shout out to Elder Ryan Davis for the concept). 

Bloodstains in Barcelona

Hearing of an attack on a city with a familiar name is distressing: Boston, New York, London, Manchester, Brussels, etc. But it's a disconnected kind of sorrow; the fury of a paper fire-- fed into flame by passionate social media bursts but then floating away in forgotten ashes as the news moves on to other topics. A day or so after the initial incident, it's just a conversation topic, addressed in half-hearted and incomplete updates or ignored until mentioned by a celebrity.

But Barcelona: It's different when it comes to streets I've walked. Metro stops I've taken. The cities I've lived in and visited, inhabited with people I know and care for. Barcelona is sacred ground for me. I know the pattern on the sidewalks.
I can imagine what they look like with bloodstains.

Las Ramblas is always packed with tourists. I remember being a tourist there. It is an embodiment of life and color-- packed with people, filled with food, cluttered with keepsakes and souvenirs, and stuffed with shopping of every pay-scale. It's a pedestrian paradise, with street performers and pigeons taking residence among fountains and statues in the circle flanked by banks and museums. It is culture, it is the intersection of worlds, it is Spain.

And now, it will always be somewhat tainted with tragedy.  

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/aug/18/terror-timeline-of-barcelona-and-cambrils-attacks-and-other-terror-raids

The second car, the "getaway" car was found in Vic? That was my last area. A tiny town of pure Catalan culture, close enough to Barcelona to make it a popular spot for preparation day. I remember the train, door-less, sometimes standing-room-only, as we cheaply chugged our way to/from Barcelona 

"The remaining suspects are thought to live in or close to the Catalonian town of Ripoll."
Ripoll? That's where Vic's Branch President lives. We were up there every week for an eating cita. It's a beautiful, out-of-the-way little place. And it's tiny.

I found out just an hour after the attack. I was on Facebook, reading what I could find, learning as much as I possible, becoming the local informational authority. I went to to gym with mom and watched it roll out on the news (the gym is actually the only place I really watch the news, other than the CNN 10). I found a Spanish flag overlay and applied it to my profile picture. I shared a link. I was the first of my friends to do so.
And I waited.
I knew it was bad, I knew it should hurt. 
I waited for the pain. 
And it came. 
I knew that people would be thinking of me, wondering how I was handling it. As they reached out, I assured them I was fine.
Fine= Fully Incapable of Normal Emotions

The pain came in strange moments. First, as my sister said a hurried prayer over our food I interrupted and asked her to bless the people in Spain and it suddenly struck me as real. Again as I saw the community response and outreach, making the best of a bad situation.
As I scrolled Facebook after the Barcelona attack, I saw a friend post that she was vacationing in a Spanish town I'd never heard of, called "Cambrils." I woke up the next morning to find that they'd attacked there, too. And the painful connections kept coming; an old companion posted a frantic call for any information on a family member, Jared Alton. Her aunt and uncle were there the day of the Barcelona attack, and got separated. After a while, the posts stopped. Buried away in the comment section of the post a few days later, I found out that his name was posted in the news as "deceased." I felt it in a song we sang in church on Sunday (Hark, All Ye Nations), which is one that always comes to mind in Spanish first. Another hymn chosen for the meeting (Master, the Tempest Is Raging) was sung more often in my heart than with my voice during the hard times of my mission. Finally, I feel the affects of being "fine" in my unrelated but agitated dreams, as I uncharacteristically yell, fists-clenched and red-faced, at the people I love for ridiculous reasons such as not going to bed on time or for moving my clothes.

I was able to talk with one of my favorite people from Barcelona yesterday. I felt the need to connect with someone from there again and, as it turns out, she needed to talk to me, too. We didn't mention the terrorist attacks, we just... talked. And it was a wonderful, healing moment. 

I don't think I have a traditional way of handling, feeling, or even recognizing grief (exhibit A), but I'm becoming more familiar with my way. I'm remembering to be patient with myself, to push off the guilt for what I don't immediately feel, and to rely on strength and understanding beyond my own. Barcelona will always have mixed emotions in my memories, and that's ok.

And I'm ok.