Uncertainty.

Uncertainty is that weird bearded uncle at a family reunion- you  know you should embrace him, but it makes you uncomfortable to do so.

Nothing will come of it.

Nothing will come of it.

I sat next to two handsome guys every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Torrin and Brandon were RM’s from Brazil, friendly, and funny. Torrin is a male cheerleader with a motorcycle. Brandon is slightly younger and snowboards. We joked together and held study sessions for two hours or more every other Thursday. They offered to give me rides home… mentioned movie nights… we agreed we should do something “fun” sometime. My roommates wondered why I never took them up on any of that. I said I was busy or just blew it off saying, “nothing will ever come of it.”

There was a kid named Max who moved into our ward in Winter Semester. He was tall enough to dwarf me, had a loud, deep voice, and was fun to be with. I just kept running into him, and I sometimes wondered if he sought me out some of those times. He sat next to me in Sacrament meeting once, out of the blue. (I got SO many bewildered Snapchats and questioning looks.) He came and sat at our table during the ward banquet… but I was in the middle of a roommate group, we were just watching the slide show, and I wasn't feeling very social, so he got bored and left. I didn’t blame him. I asked him on a date to hike the Y because I was falling behind the dating goal I’d made in Mission Prep. It was a really fun date, and he kept mentioning movies I hadn’t seen and saying, in an off-handed way, “We’ll see it sometime.”  7 days from the end of the semester? I doubted it. My roommates shipped it for a month, then decided I could “do better” which I found humorous, because I wasn’t “doing” anything at all. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering, “what if…?”

A couple of times (exactly two, don’t get too excited), I heard that such-and-such a boy thought I was attractive or had a crush on me. I shrugged my shoulders and nonchalantly said out loud or to myself, “yeah, but nothing will ever come of it.”

And all of this leads me wondering -three days from the end of the semester- if maybe I was wrong. Maybe my persistent insistence that “nothing would ever come of ‘it” actually ensured that nothing did. No, I was never hurt or dumped or … dated at all, really, so I was spared a considerable amount of heartache. But… I also never came home singing euphorically, bursting at the seams because of a perfect date, or a first kiss, or a DTR.

90% of swimming through the social pool… is being willing to jump in.

What it means to sleep

It's funny. Psychologists still can't agree on what the "purpose" of sleep is. Some say it's a deeply rooted evolutionary habit (sleep through the dangers of the night, live to see another day), and nothing more. Others see it as a mental "reset" button, a necessary escape, and a mental break. Still others are simply baffled by the miracle of it all. During sleep you experience periods of paralysis, deep and shallow levels of awareness, and other interesting REM sciency stuff.
It's always been incredibly handy that I can practically fall asleep on a whim. Yes, I sleep deeply and I can fall asleep quickly, but I don't posses any sort of "super natural" power to do so. Sometimes ease into alertness but keep my eyes closed in the imitation of sleep. Sometimes my mind is ready to be awake but I just can't bring myself to ... move. Not yet, anyway. I know that EVERYBODY does this to some extent and from time to time.
Besides,
Sleep is such a great excuse. It's the "period card" of the normal world: a valid excuse to get out of almost any social activity, excuse to be a bum, and assurance to be left alone. People will interrupt you if they see you reading or listening to music, or doing virtually any other activity, but they will always let you sleep.

But what fascinates me most is  what can happen when someone thinks you are asleep.

I heard some closet conversations. Dear Aria, no one falls asleep that quickly. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop...
 
But it was simple and sweet, and I liked hearing it. I knew I'd eventually tune it out and fall asleep, but it was nice to lay there and let it lull me to sleep.

And sometimes you hear things that you were never supposed to hear. Something you never expected or didn't want to. A restless roommate, punching her pillow at 4 in the morning... and then something like a sob. I didn't want to, it wasn't planned and I wasn't prepared... but it happened. And it's strange to think how little I know the girl who sleeps less than 10 feet from me every night. How totally powerless I was to help her. But I can't erase that intimate moment, when I saw her hidden pain.

Absolute and childish peace falls on the faces of those who sleep. And it's beautiful. The deep rhythmic breathing, or the funny contortions people sometimes fall into. I hate to be like Edward Cullen, but there's something therapeutic in watching someone sleep.

When others are asleep, the cares of the world are erased from the lines of your face.

When you dream (Too bad you can't get exercise through your dreams) your mind betrays your obsessions, fears, and hopes.

When you snore. Well.... ;)

What a strange thing sleep is.

Faithful old flip phone

If my phone could talk, I'm pretty sure it would say this:

"Hey, I noticed you haven't charged me in a while. I only have one bar of battery left, but that's cool. I'll be good for a couple of days."

"I've developed a sudden interest in photography. I hope you like the 50 pictures I took of the inside of your pocket."

"This is the one I'm most proud of. It actually looks better than most of the pre-set backgrounds. Oh, you set it as my main background? I've never been so happy!"

"You got a text from an iphone. No, I can't tell you who sent it. Or when. But you'll be fine..."

"Ouch, you dropped my on an ice-rink. It was, like, a five foot fall onto the ice, my battery popped out, and then your visiting teaching companion fell on top of me. But pop me in some rice and I'm sure I'll be fine."

"I'm pretty much indestructible. I may look like I'm made of plastic, but it's more like titanium. So don't worry. I won't let you down."

"Am I embarrassed that you painted my front cover with orange nail polish to set me apart?....*cough* of course not."

"Remember how I keep saying that I don't have enough room to receive any more text messages? I don't actually mean it. So read on! But um, if it isn't too much to ask.... you could maybe delete some of the old text messages? You know, whenever you get the chance."

"Hey Alayna, did you notice that I can autocorrect to spell your name right in a text message? I thought you'd appreciate that."

"Oh, you typed in the numbers for the word "or?" I'll autocorrect it to "Oq," which is obviously, a more common word."

"Nobody else can get service with their smartphones in this crowed football stadium? Psh, whippersnappers. Amateurs. I got this."

"Three vibrations is a text message. Op! That was four! Now it's five, quick before you miss the call!"

"Next? I think you mean ndxt. Let me autocorrect that for you."

"Um... I hate to bring this up, but I've been on one bar of battery for a couple of days. Could you maybe, charge me now? No? Um, ok I'm sure I'll be fine."

"Oh. I'm almost out of battery and you're calling your mom. Here's a warning beep."
"Did you hear it?"
"Did you hear it?"
"Oh, gee. I really hope I can keep this up, I've never dropped a call on you before."
"AH! Sorry master, I have failed you! I mus- ca- sorr- !"
*charged for 20 minutes*
"Hey, I'm good to go for a week or so now. What's new? I missed you!"

Departing dialog

I'm a child with a loving family. Do I have to leave my home?

Yes, you truly must.

I love my roommates and college friends, may I linger here?

No, it's time to go.

The world is so large, and I'm so small, how can I take this step?

Your course is set, the time has come to take a leap of faith.

I want to be forever here, where I am comfortable, where I am loved. Why must time pass on?

Because you must progress.

I'm happy here. Must I move on?

You'll find greater joy at the journey's end, don't stop now.

My heart is weary from the walk, I think I must stay here. I can not take another step.

Haven't you been listening? There are better things ahead!

Yet I am weak. I cannot journey on.

Silly child, don't you remember? You needn't walk alone? His strength is ever with you, if only you will ask.

What I'm (not) missing.

"Bye ______. "
I said, "See you later,_____."
But he walked away in stony silence, which was so unlike him. I pointed it out to her (how strange it was).
"I must have done something to upset him!" was her instant conclusion.
How absurd, I thought. "He's probably just distracted. Don't worry about it."
But she did, and she texted him when we got back to the apartment. This part is paraphrased because I don't have actual texts, but it's pretty dang close.
     "Is everything ok?"
"Not really."
       (various other text messages ensue until he tells her what's up.)
"You were happy tonight and I wasn't the cause of that happiness.
When she showed me this text I had a really irrational surge of anger. No. That's not ok. What is she supposed to do, apologize for being happy???? No, just no. That's not friendship. That's not romance. That's stupid, pig-headed selfishness disguised as affection. That's playing the victim and preying on her sweet temper and irrational inclination toward feeling guilty.
     More texts ensued, this time with the occasional input of a third party adviser on her part.
She wrote a well-crafted (mostly by the third party, who said that this was how HE would like to be rejected), thoughtful, and honest... rejection of his affections. I didn't even know he thought of her like that. Did I mention the fact that it's 2 am? Because it is. And she mentioned that she should go to bed two hours ago, but the texts just kept coming. (Mom and Dad, thank you for my flip phone and my limited minutes.)
     The final text was something like, "When you get married, I want to meet your husband so I can see the man who finally made you happy."

I didn't say anything, but I sort-of turned into a mini rage monster.
People really shouldn't do this to each other.

Not only am I not involved with any guys around here (it ain't a pity and it ain't a shame), but I really miss the hints and clues about my roommies' crushes and boyfriends until it's a big thing or flared and ended.
We live side by side, and yet our hearts are strangers.
In this respect, at least.

I hate not understanding. But I would also hate dealing with the crap that I've seen so many guys put my friends through. So I'm still in a good place.

Winter 2014 Olympics

2014 Winter Olympics, Sochi Russia.
The Olympics according to Alayna.

Opening Ceremony

Did you see the clip of Pride and Prejudice in the Russian video at the beginning of the opening ceremony?

Russian monastery choir. They still have those?

Lots of countries. Insane opening ceremony. The country of origin lights up on the "floor globe" as their athletes walk in.

Bermuda wore Bermuda shorts. And it was hilarious. Only one athlete though.

The Venezuela athlete was jumping up and dancing around with the flag. A nice reminder that it's a great opportunity something to be proud of.

Germany is wearing sherbet colors (apparently it's a statement for gay rights. Russia is NOT a fan.)

The order the countries enter based on their position in the Russian alphabet, which makes it incredibly unpredictable

America has DORKY sweaters... and everybody still looks thrilled to be there. It proves just how proud and brave we are.

Lots of countries are sending their first winter Olympians.
This one guy skis for a country whose language doesn't even have a word for skiing.
Russia looks like Santa Claus, with fur coats and everything.

The floor of the arena (which was built specifically for the opening and closing ceremony) looks 3D because of 60-ish projectors on both sides of the arena. The technology was very 'next gen' throughout the whole performance... because Russia was so desperate to prove that they belong in the modern world. 

They tried

This little girl flew around, thousands of feet in the air (probably the envy of all her 4th grade class). She broke her arm in rehearsal and still performed.

And tried.
 LOTS of technology (these are Buzzfeeds... so have a bit of view responsibility.)
And tried.
With absurd decorations
But all anyone could seem to do is focus on their mistakes

The last ring never opened up. It was really tragic, considering how many millions of dollars were spent. But it became an internet sensation and a moment of infamy. See?

Woah. Their doves look like jellyfish at first. And in the end it became so beautiful and clear!

It was the longest Olympic torch relay in history.
It's a shame, really.
But in the soon enough, the opening ceremony was over and the games officially began.

Olympic commercials are beautiful and tender, really playing on our emotions and loyalties.

 

There were many fun moments:

Like this little joke... by Kate Hansen, who happens to go to BYU
Or poor Johnny Quinn
The Young Women's leader...

Kate Hansen

My Olympic Heroes

I heard one of the reporters refer to the box the athletes go to after they finish the figure skating routine "The kiss and cry area." I thought it was humorous.

Here are my Olympic heroes. They may not have medaled, or made big news. But in "the Olympics according to Alayna," these are the athletes that really mattered.

Jeremy Abbot (Figure Skating) American from Colorado.

Went out onto the ice

A sort-of clip

… and FELL. HARD on his hip. I gasped as he slammed into the wall and was heart-broken for him as I expected him to hobble off the rink. But the crowd egged him on. He got up and finished his performance without a single flaw.

 He DANCED and it was one of the best (and certainly among the most impassioned) performances I've ever seen. When the stupid, nosy NBC reporter asked him about his performance he simply said. “I fell hard, and got back up again. I may not be an Olympic medalist, but at least I can teach the world that.” Seriously? My faith in humanity is restored, thank you sir. He got up because of the fans and finished it for them, even though he doubled over in pain moments after finishing his skate... it was inspiring. He's a four time Olympic champ, and got a bronze medal in the "team skate." (which is new this year.) He was no longer a medal contender after the short program, but the final set (the freestyle skate) was beautiful and flawless. He’s an artist. And on his last Olympic skate, he has nothing but good memories facing him.

Henrik Harlaut (Swedish surfer dude.) Chillest dude in the winter Olympics.

I mean, he has dreadlocks for heaven's sake. And he wore purposefully baggy clothes, he ordered xxl pants, and they hung around his knees most of the run. But I've never seen anyone have so much fun. Win or lose. Make it or not. Fall or stick it. He’s having the time of his life. Henrik skis with a raw egg in his pocket because of an American movie of a Jamaican bobsled team ("Cool Runnings") where one of the members of which kissed an egg for luck. That egg definitely cracked a couple of times.
5th place, and thrilled.

Evgeni Plushenko (Russian Figure skater) A legend.

 I remember him from last time. And since that was 4 years ago…. That’s impressive. He’s had back surgery since then and hasn't really skated in 2 years. He did a jump in the practice and… didn't fall. But couldn't land it. So when his name was called to perform, he skated out to the judges table and withdrew. The stadium cheered his exit. How heartbreaking! A chance to skate for GOLD in his home country. And he couldn't do it.
I HATE NBC reporters. Of course he’s devastated, of COURSE he’s in pain! You don’t have to keep asking! But she did anyway. And in his heavily accented English he said, “I’m just like you. We all have good and bad days. And that’s ok." (Paraphrased) And I’m so proud of him because of that. I'll miss seeing him perform, but I'm glad he could go with grace. Although he didn't compete in individuals, he did lead the Russian team to Gold.

Nick Goepper (American Skiier in first-ever slope style Olympic competition)

He grew up in Indiana, built it a training arena in his backyard. He skis without poles which is weird, but works for him. His dad lost his job, so he’s been working odd jobs to fund his dream for YEARS (talk about the American dream). He got Bronze.

 Joss Christensen (Slopestyle Gold) His dad died 6 months ago, and he skis with a picture of him in his pocket. He was 5ish points short of a perfect score, a record. And he got GOLD. America’s first. America swept men’s slopestyle.

Oh ya... and we swept the podium.

Women’s Figure Skating

Gracie Gold: Leading lady

 

 Her parents must have had figure skating on mind when they named her, because that’s a perfect name. She skates beautifully. Got 4^th overall, and danced to “All that jazz” in the bonus/ just for fun round. So free and fun, putting on a hat half way through. She was a gold medal favorite and the star of most Olympic commercials that interrupted the action... but I forgive her. 

Polina Edmunds: American girl

One of America's rising stars, 15 year old Polina Edmunds is still growing into herself. Babyface, tall and gangly as can be. She didn't rank very highly, but she has PLENTY of time for that.

Yulia Lipnitskaya: Russia's hope.

Russian skater with a performance of pure power and energy. She carried the weight of the host nation on her shoulders... and it showed. It brought her down. She Twirled faster than I thought humans could move. Fell once, lost lots of points, and that was the end of that. Oh, and by the way. She is also 15.
 

Adelina Sotnikova: Russian phoenix


Rising from the ashes of her country’s darling, she skated past everyone’s expectations and wowed the world. 98% of the time, her facial expression was a firey“AH!” with a “look at me, world!” defiance. Truly compelling. She shocked everyone (someone who wasn’t even the favorite RUSSIAN athlete) by getting Gold. THIS girl, was on fire. Some figure skaters get tired, but she never seemed to. Most people put their hardest stuff in the beginning. She ended in a fury of twirls. At the end of her Gold skate it took a small army of little skaters to pick up all the flowers and tokens thrown onto the ice for her. But she deserved every single one of them.
Kim Yuna: Silver of the South

South Korean staying on top, but she ended with Silver. She’s the inspiration of a whole nation, more famous (and for much better reasons) than Lady Gaga... or whatever Korean equivalent there is. She rules the ice with unparalleled grace. She danced to “Imagine” with a super-gorgeous ombre-blue outfit in the free for all.
Russia and S.Korea wear their tights over their shoes and one of the Russians had gloves on. Interesting... I wonder if it's a cultural thing.

Ice Dancing

SO much fun to watch. Many of the couples have an energy and presence that is simply delightful to witness. Charming and alarming, this sport mixes the sweetness of dance with the unbelieveable difficulty of skating. All of the dances were great…. But Canada, Russia, and America were the best for the short program which seemed to have a 20's theme. One of the American Ice-dancers teams is a brother-sister duo, and they danced to a Michael Jackson Medley. Another American dance team: Large height difference, but they danced to Les Mis, and stole our hearts. SO many really impressive lifts and stuff. VERY enjoyable.

Elena Ilinykh and Nikita Katsalapov (Russian Ice Dance Team) Bronze Medal

Russian, Swan Lake (Odille and Rothbart, rock’n the darkness). 98% of their routine was me wondering, “Where did (insert body part) go?” Crazy beautiful, still in awe of many of the lifts, and they did their home country proud. It was a great moment to be a part of. They totally nailed it.

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir (Canadian Ice Dance team) An Olympic favorite

They are BEAUTIFUL (but America for the win). And both of them are drop-dead gorgeous, so that's a plus. Aparently, they share a coach with the American team, which could get awkward. This team won gold in the Vancouver Olympics, but got silver here because....

Meryl Davis and Charlie White (American Ice Dancing Team) USA's golden couple

Every moment was genuine

 and fun

and intimate.

I seriously wonder if he has any feeling in his legs... he did this SO many times.

They are just... priceless.
(we think they got bonus points for Charlie's hair... you should have seen it when he twirled)

Honestly, they aren't beautiful individually. Something seems off about Meryl's face and I didn't even know figure skaters were allowed to have that much hair (Charlie). But together... the passion and grace is tangible. I'm obviously biased because of my nationality, but I loved them so much.
On the first part, they danced to “My fair Lady” (I should have danced all night, which happened to be the only non-20’s dance, and totally endeared them to me). Then they danced to Les Mis, and I gave my heart to them completely.
His hair though….. we called him Kristoff.

For obvious reasons

Gold medal round, Americans rocked it, Charlie rocked the royal purple. Their lifts were effortless, their skating was graceful, the energy was unbelieveable. It’s the first American gold in Ice Dancing. I have a love affair with his hair… and they both sang the national anthem while on the podium, something that made me proud to be AMERICAN. Highest score ever recorded in ice dance.
And just for the adorbs...

Closing Ceremony

There were a lot of issues coming into The Games (and #sochiprobs is a trending hashtag) but for once, all of that was forgotten as we celebrated the closing ceremony.
Russia highlighted the cultural things that make them great:

ballet (with a chandeler and two “stages” representing their most famous companies. There were tons of beautiful ballerinas and it was great to see),

artists (A whimsical tribute to Marc Chagal),
 Russian authors (The 3D floor lit up with open books and hand written letters, eventually creating a swirl of papers in flight which added onto the real vortex created by fans and slips of paper. Famous Russian authors had their photos rise out of the ground on long thin sheets, standing tall for all to see).

Near the end they brought out lots of mirrors which looked amazing, as we saw a distorted and confusing cacophony of images of the stage, the athletes, and the stadium.
Then the weird animals that look like giant Dream Works puppets came out again. Apparently they represent The Games, and the big teddy-bear like one represents Russia. (Russia is a bear, and saying that it’s a nice bear now, is making a very useful political statement.

But the odd animals meandered around the mirrors, then suddenly a replica Olympic flame (with real fire) was brought in front of the bear. I called that he was going to blow it out, signifying the end of the games, and it did, with cloudy smoke coming out of the bear’s mouth to add to the effect. What I WASN’T expecting was the tear that leaked out of its eye afterwards. It was emotional and silly but I REALLY liked it.
And for the smallest moment... we were united around the world with an appreciation of all that Russia had done and given.
And so ended the 22 Olympic games.