Education in the Margins, Winter 2019

I'm a big note-taker. But not everything I write down or learn is strictly related to the course. Much of life-long learning comes from this, 'education in the margins.'

Physical Science:

Experiments on Youtube: "Don't try that at home. There are idiots who've done it for you."

Be careful with your hearing. It doesn't come back. 

"Scriptures are like packets of light" -Richard G. Scott

"inasmuch" = proportionally. Alma 36:30

Powdered sugar is explosive: do with that what you will.

If you buy an older home, make sure it has copper, not aluminum wiring. 

Work at your marriage--it takes work to fight the entropy of  "increasing disorder."

The "When it rains, it pours" motto from Morton was coined just because they were the first company to figure out how to make salt that didn't stick together in humidity. 

"God tells us how to go to heaven, not how the heavens go." - Galileo 

There are evidences of water on Mars, but no current water.

Skepticism doesn't kill science--it grows it. 

Science does the almost impossible and gets a picture of a black hole. The press immediately responds with, "are you trying to make it higher resolution?" Typical. 

We do need people who understand people. 

ELANG 430:

The bigger the font, the closer you have to look (preventing errors)

Don't "false foreshadow" and have details that don't matter.

X-files: "There's another alien thing, there's another government thing. there's an alien government thing."

Be suspicious of everything. 

That's the dream. Get paid to read books that you otherwise pay to read.

Learn to let go of commas and see big picture. 

Be liberal with praise, even when you're in a hurry. 

Jennifer Nielson: Psychology of Characters 

A happy reader is an engaged reader

First lines and chapters. Get to extrordinary ASAP. 

Twitter account: Brooding YA hero

Find what you like, become an expert, find a client

"I don't feel like being 'super Suzy' right now"
McKan's "Law": Any correction of the speech or writing of others will contain at least one grammatical, spelling, or typographical error. 

Book recommentations

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hegDRPE58N28pRVeSr8AJ0j67XQiA-WsFrSQwJu6hS8/edit

Art History:

"Dante is bae. Dante is hell bae."

Italian Renaissance: women of the time period plucked their eyebrows and their hairlines. Who knew?

"Satan somehow turns into a woman in the Catholic narrative. So, you know. I hate that." -Prof. Hale

Oh to be a tourist in the 70s, before sites were popular.

Single candle= God's presence

The first-ever known painting of Michelangelo was a copy of a print.

"For me, the fact that archetypes pop up in other cultures and beliefs is actually proof that God exists." -Prof. Hale

They killed the two Venetian glass makers so NO ONE else could have the Palace of Mirrors. 

"You know you'll have to ask him. Save it for the spirit world." -Prof. Hale

"Our brains are not as photogenic as we'd hope they could be." -Prof. Hale

Medieval History

"Oh, she's wearing pants? Feminist."-Prof. Wilcox

In chess, a pawn can become a queen, In Medieval times, a queen is merely a pawn. 

We are so worried about bloodlines, but, anciently it wasn't strange for a king to marry the female slave of a conquered people. 

"To what extent are you supposed to fight?"

Acting is 9/10 of action. Fake it til you make it. 

Middle English becomes a big mash-up because of wars and politics.

A loved one, an "other < love one another

culture doesn't translate in the Bible

Victorian Periodical 

Academic writing's basic purpose: to quote or be quoted.

Victorians did "Vinegar valentines" (anti-valentines)

Victorians were really in taxidermy.

You can't really know when people are telling the truth.

You torture the text long enough, it'll confess to anything

Middle class target why? "Poor people don't read, rich people don't care"-Joshua

Rubricated letters: Big fancy letters in Gothic text. 

The ubiquity strategy.

If you torture the text long enough, it'll confess to anything.

Famous authors in their own "write"

"If you use one word when you could use ten, you're not really trying." -Prof. Horrocks

Prof. "Did you study any women?"

J: "Yes."

Prof.: "Who?"

J: "Um...letters from a homestead woman..."
Prof.: "Yep. That's the story of women in literature."

Jesus Christ and the Everlasting Gospel:

More than reading black words on a white page. 

Know that you're loved.

My Musings:

Write in complete sentences. Write incomplete sentences. 

Graduation= gradamnation (a life without student discounts, library access, etc.)

Macabre cards: Gothic Greetings, Bleak Birthdays, Horrid Holidays.

Recommendations/Favorites:

Do a fun interview with your kids every year and ask the same questions. You can make fun videos. 

Hugh Nibley "Pride Cycle" talk. 

Gunner glasses/ computer glasses: save your eyes from screens. 

Halloween stuff, Joyce Carol Oats short story: "Where are you going, where have you been"

"You belong with Steve" hilarious music video. 

"The Way of Joy" Greg Olsen

Tulip Magnolia trees

"These is My Words" Nancy Turner

Quotes:

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift."-Albert Einstein

Education in the Margins, Fall 2018

Education in the Margins

Writing with Style:

The rhetorical device for “Yoda speak” is called anastrophe

Discussing “Joyas Voladores”: So frantic and fast-paced that I felt frazzled by it.

Sometimes classes work out like “syntax support groups.” You defend your choices and it helps you refine your work.

Viewing punctuation as traffic signals. A period really is a “full stop.”

The present is such a pleasant place.

“Use accuracy and restraint, like a burn to an in-law.” (certain style principles)

That hilarious moment when our professor forgot the projector screen was down and went to underline something: we brought a magic eraser for the mark, but it was there for quite a while.

Getting frustrated is part of the assignment.

“Variation in sentence types as well as length is a mark of the professional.”

 “Excess is the common substitute for energy” -Tuftee.

“It’s like we’re doing yoga, but with English.”

Punctuation is the unsung hero, determined more by choice than by rules. Dash their hopes with an em dash.

Reasons for letter writing: “You can’t ‘scent’ an email. You can put cologne on a letter.”

“A problem well-put is half solved” – John Dewey

Freelance Editing:

It’s very vulnerable to be a writer.

It can be “fine” even if it’s not “mine.”

Making every word count

Sometimes you strive not to burn bridges. Other times, you light the fire yourself.

Personalization pays off.

Just get a job and move from there.

“I have found that threatening works great.” -Professor Bills

Spain Culture and Civilization:

Practicas, Productos, Perspectivas.

So the Koran says not to drink alcohol, but the word is Arab, and their culture made great developments in the fermentation process. It’s hard to practice what you preach.

“Le digo por secreta, chicos: la vida es aburido.”; “Si escucho Ingles, me pongo como Franco”

 -Profe Stallings

“3 minutos de calidad y 2 horas de basura.” -Profe Stallings, movie review.

Everything is a reworking of Don Quijote.

The current art trend is Neo-Baroque.

Picaso could draw like an old Master at 15, and spent the rest of his life learning to draw like a 5-year-old.

We read to “entrar en la mente de alguien diferente”

“Become acquainted with real nobility as it walks the pages of history and science and literature.” -President Hinckley.

The Humanities: Our aspirations for the good and the beautiful

The moon is a symbol of Romanticism: it reflects reason, but is its own “ser.”

“lluvia de ideas” = brainstorm

Interview tips:
Practice your voice: Am I squeaky? Am I Star-Lord?
study and practice for an interview like you would for an exam.

European History:

“Oh, nobody falls in love” regarding the nobles of ruling countries.

The word “freelance” probably comes from the mercenaries (paid/professional soldiers) in the middle ages, also known as “free lances” because they worked without nationalistic ties.

“Quarantine” comes from the 40 days ships had to wait in the harbor during the plague outbreaks to prove that they were “safe” to allow in.

“hock es corpus mayum” (or something like that) is the Latin “spell” for transubstantiation (This is my body) Misinterpretation of this phrase gave birth to the popular phrase “Hocus Pocus”

Pre-internet days: “I remember when you just had to wonder about stuff instead of looking it up.” ; “I must be listened to”; “When it comes to revolutions, it doesn’t matter that the facts really are—it’s what the people believe.”; “No one say any of this in your Sunday School ever” (speculation of the fate of dictators) -Professor Carter.

Russians were literally “behind the times” in the 16^th century because they didn’t skip October 3-13^th like most other nations did.

Perks of being a professor: “I am paid to read and tell other people what I read.” -Professor Carter

“Cities eat people” – why there’s a higher death rate in urban areas than in the country.

“I don’t believe in changing the days of the week” – Regarding the finals week schedule.

Fighting European battles on colonial ground; Malaria has killed more people than any other disease in the history of the world ; Africa was called “White Man’s grave.”

“A lot more things get resolved in this era just because people die more frequently.” (Era of reformation)

Oliver Cromwell = The White Witch

What if Russia was France’s Frankenstein’s monster?

The mentality of everyone ever throughout history: “Let’s just blame the Jews for the political problems and the women for the social problems. We’re good.”

European Studies:

“I feel most at home when I am abroad.” -Professor H. Belnap

“Lifelong learner” is an ideal you should shape for yourself.

Geography molds people.

Everything looks different behind the iron curtain.

“A little taste of Freedom in the form of a Big Mac.” (The Baltics/Gorbachev)

“You have to learn acronyms to speak ‘European’”

People created schools to indoctrinate the children for nationalism.

Our modern trench coat came from the uniform for soldiers in the trench.

“Anxiety is now an existential condition of the modern world” – a therapist

“The French pride themselves on everything”

Book History:

Samuel Johnson, “sea of ink”

How can you navigate being approachable and not reproached?

“A book exchanged between lovers—notes on the text and notes to each other” – Tom Mole

I found the source of the word "Muggle?" : The Muggletonians, named after Lodowicke Muggleton, were a small Protestant Christian movement which began in 1651 when two London tailors announced they were the last prophets foretold in the biblical Book of Revelation.

My Musings:

How cool would it be to collaboratively annotate a well-loved and well-known book?

Where did the phrase “stem the tide” even come from?

She is strong

I am human, I can exhibit human emotion. I am allowed to exhibit negative emotion.

When did my generation stop wearing watches?

It is better to be at rock bottom with someone who knows how to climb than to be well-established with someone who will only fall.

I’m surrounded by companionable strangers.

An armchair traveler = a reader

Recommendations/Favorites:

How to write a great title
Sexy : Not sexy

“Woman in Gold” (movie about art in WWII)

Amy Cuddy, Power stance Ted Talk

A James Bond movie with Pierce Brosnan was filmed at the Guggenheim. Look it up!

Contently.net ; ldsjobs.org ; moonlighting.org ; etc.

*Conversation with a Korean citizen overheard in the frontrunner: “Wait, you did military service?”
-“Yeah, we have that crazy neighbor named North Korea”

Book: “Policing the Veil” (or something like that)
“Lean In” by Sheryl Sandberg
“How to live, work, and play when nobody has the time.”

TV show: “Slings and Arrows” a Canadian theatre company

Art-house cinema: “The Broadway” and “The Tower”. Get student passes to Sundance.

Words:

Splenetic: bad tempered, spiteful.
Epistemic: relating to knowledge (degree of validation)
Ecumenicalism: promotes cooperation among religious denominations.

Ostensibly: apparently or purportedly, but perhaps not actually.

Education in the Margins 2018

We often see professors as experts in their field, but they are often also full of sage life advice, recommendations, and silly quotes. Below is a collection of Winter 2018's little thoughts and comments: education in the margins. 

Sci-fi (lit and film):

The written word=you can know thoughts vs. film=you can see and hear

Book-to-film adaptation is a surgical art.

Almost anything that happens in a film is potentially meaningful.

That man is playing Pokémon. He didn’t think we’d notice. But we did.

Hey David Een, you’re taller than the guy who played Vader.

Most meta moment of my life: watching The Day the Earth Stood Still and the time shown is the same time on the clock in our classroom.

Bernard Herman (created sci-fi music).

Guillermo del Toro was obsessed with Creature from the Black Lagoon and wanted there to be a version where the fish-man gets the girl. I give you Shape of Water.  

Editing:

“Just Give me a Reason”: explaining why you want to keep it, understanding why you should change it.

Authors appropriate wisdom to their characters.

Brit lit:

The issue is that sometimes myths are just other people’s truths.

Dylan Thomas poems: death is always in the subtext. Vernon Watkins: Wales is always in the subtext—ancient, beautiful, and haunted.

The ocean is a symbol for continuity and chaos.

Robert Frost and R.S. Thomas: Seem ordinary, but if you mine the simple phrases, you’ll hit profound meaning.

Steeped vs. layered in symbolism

Wales: A people warming their hands on the ashes of the past.

In some mining towns, the master owned the only clock, controlling even the minutes in the worker’s lives.

Steel=first blush of industrialism

Drinking deep from the authorial fallacy.

Icebergs are the hallmark of a great writer, rewarding those who explore the depths.

I don’t even know if my fingers will remember the keys…

The choice of narrator is always important

Eloquence in stubbornness (Border Country)

Publishing is so subjective.

Pursue the things that people care about.

SPOPL:

A lot of times, people just want to be heard.

Introversion was my secret and my strength

Don’t condemn your feelings

“You’re technically always motivated toward something, it just doesn’t always align with what needs to be done.”

“Idea debt” is wearing yourself down thinking about the action before you even take it.

Family Virtue Passion Humor Beauty

Creative Writing:

Everything is on the page for a reason

Art is theft: Everything’s a remix

Conveying information is boring in art.

We sacrifice convention for invention. –Manning poems

Ultimately, you still need to serve the project.

Free from the pressure of paying attention

Only about 20 lines of our 3,000 lines of daily conversation are worth writing.

“I am a convert to the character”

There’s a lot of work, but no lost work. It all means something somehow

Actors speak beyond who they really are all the time. So do writers.

You can’t really escape setting, no matter what you do.

All plots are a death march

Find the wisdom in front of you

You might be tempted to say “I can’t remember anything from my childhood, there’s nothing there.” No. Just try.

Advice:

“If you want to leave your worries behind you, try it” -Professor Perry on reading the Book of Mormon for stress-management.

Writers need to know that it’s going to be a rough go.

You can make your career, but it’s the work you come back to that must be what matters.

Giving the context of the other arguments is already halfway to a “so what.”

Don’t go crazy telling people how novel your idea is; let your insight speak for itself.

Don’t burn bridges. Don’t be afraid to ask questions (they can lead to great things). Keep your priorities and try.

Work to develop an openness to possibilities.

Quotes:

“It’s so bad, but it’s made with so much love and care, and somehow that makes it better.” Professor Perry

“One of the few ways to get fired from BYU is to break copyright laws.”—Professor Eastley

“Fiction feeds our desires to be really, really special.”—Professor Eastley

“I read the words and the words were nice.”—Professor Eastley on trying to understand Dylan Thomas

“If you can’t play Quidditch, you’re nobody.”—Professor Eastley

“First of all, are all Lemuels evil?”—class member

“He ran out of time: he died.”—Professor Eastley, explaining why Raymond Williams’ book is unfinished.

“It’s beautiful how eloquent plain speech in a paper can be.”—Professor Eastley

“People aren’t disposable.” –Becca. It’s not fair to erase contact just because you were offended.

“If I have another daughter, my comma life changes” –Professor Baker (no longer being able to use appositives). And then… he had another daughter.

“I have daffodils poking out on my porch , so that’s pretty awesome.” –Professor Baker.

“I love preparing people for their careers. Guys. Go forth and be awesome.” –Professor Baker.

“Two-year-olds say ‘no’. You just want to say, don’t you know I have a PhD? You should call me Dr. Dad!”

“I’ve had many comments of admiration and surprise regarding my attire.” –Professor Belnap

“I think you should aim high” –Professor Mason

When you’re talking about errors, you inevitably start making them.

“I can make my bread and win it, too” –Eliza, talking about Women in Business

“Money spent on books doesn’t count” –Publisher’s mom

“Read. Write. Be Kind.” –J. Adams

I used to feel this way and now I feel this way. “What unites us all is the struggle in between.” –Professor Tidwell

“Everyone’s got stuff. Everyone. When the weather changes in your internal world, acknowledge it and make the necessary adjustments.” –Dallas Jensen

“College is the last think in the clearly-defined script for your life. From here on out, it’s a choose-your-own-adventure novel.” –Dallas Jensen

“This source is in crayon. I’m not sure how credible it is.” –Professor Mason on footnoting citations

“Have I told you what I do when I go home at five? Whatever I want!” –Dallas Jensen, how life in a career is easier than life in college

“I like to write polished drafts and then finesse them.” –Professor Eastley

Ego is the anesthesia for stupidity

I’d rather have you aim high and miss than aim low and hit.

My musings:

A poet never retires because the images never let you go.

Rey could be from a Welsh poem—wanting awesome parents.

People don’t turn down the golden ticket.

Marvel characters are slowly losing the looks/objects that defined them and discovering a different kind of raw, unaided self.

“The sea was not wide then” –a time of old tales

I add my ink to everything

Can you really have that many fingers on a single pulse?

Sometimes we speak through omission; sometimes we place with empty space.

Nibblings=siblings kids (a cross between siblings and nieces/nephews)

We don’t write thankful notes anymore

Recommendations/Favorites:

E. M Forster’s “Howard’s End”

“His Girl Friday”

“Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night” Dylan Thomas poem

“Autumn Elegy” Leslie Norris poem. Storing up summer and all it brings.

Marilyn Roberts: best prose writer of today (psychology of people)

“I am a Warrior Goddess”—Child empowerment book

“Tonight Dough” Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor

Wirecutters/sweethomes: website for maximizers

Grad school and associate professorship

Brandon Sanderson: “Steelheart”

Start reading the British news, "The Guardian"
"The Atonement" and "The Queen" (British Films)

Sunday Insights

In the mission I called them #HermanaEenTheories. Essentially, they are the little distilled "aha" moments of spiritual insight that come to me throughout the week and really should be shared so... enjoy these ones.

"Our lives are like a chessboard, and the Lord moves us from one place to another—if we are responsive to spiritual promptings. Looking back, we can see His hand in our lives." Ronald A. Rasband in "Divine Design"
Well, if life is like a chessboard, then I must be a knight because the moves are unpredictable and all avenues seem blocked and then hey! Suddenly I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Also, Ronald A. Rasband sounds like Dug, from Up. ( I think it's the roundness of his tone and the lack or contractions).

Sometimes I have to do FHME activities.

I want to have a knee-jerk reaction to the Spirit.

Other people's testimonies relating to the Reformers and another one including the seasons (we complain about the weather and the seasons--whichever ones we are in, we find something to complain about. We do the same things with the seasons in our lives. Let's not complain), I love to hear the different ways the gospel the truths are made manifest in the lives of others because I see them EVERYWHERE in mine.

Why did the early saints dedicate so much to the building of temples? It was the price of eternity.

The Gospel is the Golden Ratio of my life. I see it pieces and patterns in all aspects of life and creation.

Borrowed wisdom:
Elizabeth: Salvation is like a group project--you have to help each other out in order for your family to be together forever.
Eliza: If salvation is a group project, then Jesus is that person who will do all of the work and still let you get the good grade.

4th Nephi 1:17 "There were no robbers, nor murderers, neither were there Lamanites, nor any manner of -ites; but they were in one, the children of Christ, and heirs to the kingdom of God." Many of them may have been Lamanites by birth, so it wasn't a change in their parentage... rather, a decision not to have that be their primary identifier. Instead, they chose to identify first as "the children of Christ." What are the "-ites" in our lives? (BYUites, Datingites, Singleites, Disneyites, Missionites, etc.) But if we take away the ites, if we focus instead on what we have in common, if we "un-ite" ourselves... we will be UNITED in Christ.
- I was really excited to share this in my portion of the Relief Society class today and it was incredibly validating to hear the shocked gasps and verbal ahas (it even got a few claps). So it wasn't just me that was weirdly happy about this nerdy connection (shout out to Elder Ryan Davis for the concept). 

Words that aren't mine

Isn't it a strange thing to think that every book ever published -every story ever written, every essay ever eked out, every song lyric sappy poem silly rhyme and gushing love note ever left on paper, parchment, wood, or cloth- is just a different combination of 26 letters and assorted simple punctuation?

The basic building blocks of language are the same, be it a Shakespearean sonnet or a Hallmark card.

So how can I call any of these words mine?

My own words

Earlier this week an old elementary school journal appeared in my room. It was one of those flimsy paper things we did every month, a hastily colored print-out with too much large-lined paper stapled to it at the corner. The first few pages were half full almost illegible insect poems. Apparently I didn't know how to use spaces between words (either that, or I should be given partial credit for inventing the #hashtag) because sometimes I wasn't sure whether it said that moths ate "sweaters, cloth, and rugs" or "sweaters, cloth, an drugs." I finished flipping through it after only a couple of minutes, sure that every word (sandwiched together though they were) had been copied from a whiteboard. They were prescribed poems, and I'm sure that every single "journal" that month looked the same, as we wrote the words they gave us. 

But I write my own words now.   

Old and new again.

And once again my blog will actually live up to it's name. A little.

Thought #1
If arranged marriages were still a thing, I could have been married like, three or four times over by now. (Seriously, I could give you their names and the level to which their families are "shipping it.") But as it is, I've only ever been on a handful of dates. Funny how things work out

Thought#2
People should pre-write their obituaries. It'd make things a lot easier for their families later on, and that way the control freaks among us can make sure that they represent us correctly in between the lines and lines dedicated to family history filler stuff.
No, I haven't started writing mine, but I've decided on a simple phrase that I really want in there. (It's already been approved by my friend Melissa, so it must be true)
She loved a good joke and told a lot of bad ones.

Everyone will laugh in spite of themselves and they'll know that I wrote it so they won't feel bad or offended or anything and it will be perfect.

Thought #3

I use my iPod to write notes. They range from thoughts to church talks, phrases to full-on poems, and there sure are a lot of them. Today I re-discovered one that I don't think I've ever posted (what is old is new again). Even though it's in direct contrast with a previous post on Sleep, I still like both of them, so I think it's time this one found its way onto my own little corner of the internet. 

An active mind is an enemy to sleep.

Thoughts throb like a raw nerve on the very surface of the brain. 

Sleep? How can I sleep when my mind is racing faster than my feet have ever run? 

Rest? How can I rest....

Physical fatigue can only help so much. Sleep isn't borne of desire. Sleep comes unasked and unplanned in a thousand inconvenient moments. But as I lay prostrate in bed, force my breathing rhythm down and beg, it leaves me bereft. 

Sleep is not my friend. It is my mind's unconscious enemy.

This could be our song

When there is only one lifeguard on stand, we do half hour shifts. Half hour up, half hour down.
I finished "The Book Thief" in just over a week and a half, reading exclusively at work.
... but it's not like you can read on stand. That's just downright unsafe.
No, I did much more practical things: Playing the music game with myself, reciting every poem and soliloquy I've ever learned,  scripture mastery, singing every song I know from a certain artist... and then moving on to another artist (you find out how similar their songs sound), and assigning songs to all of my favorite TV couples.

And since I spent all that time perfecting my list, I might as well share it.

Amy & Rory (Doctor Who)

I had to choose two songs for this couple. It gets both sides of their relationship.
My Life Would Suck Without You (Kelly Clarkson)
This one is so much of a thing... someone already made it. A Thousand Years (Christina Perry)

Peter & El (White Collar)

They are my favorite married couple on TV. This song just made sense for them. Happy Together (The Turtles)

Sara & Neal (White Collar)

I think this one is perfect for them. Fine By Me (Andy Grammer)

Pam & Jim (The Office)

I love these guys. Beginning to end and everything in between. Marry Me (Train)
Also, maybe this one. Grow Old With You (Wedding Singer)

Merlin & Freya (Merlin)

"Where will we go?"
"Somewhere with mountains."

"A few fields."

"Wildflowers."

"A couple of cows."

"And a lake."

"And a lake."

This one only lasted a heart-breaking 45 minutes. And yet, I think it's the strongest romance in the whole show. This song is absolutely perfect for them. There's a Place for Us (Westside Story)

Charlie & Amita (Numb3rs)

If I'm being honest, these are just the two songs that had Numb3rs in them. (See what I did there?) But they're still cute. Count on Me (Bruno Mars) and 1234 (Plain White T's)

Gwen & Arthur (Merlin)

I really couldn't get a grasp on this one. But this is the best fit I could find.Love Story (Taylor Swift)
Though, after receiving input from a dear friend, I add the song I Won't Give Up (Jason Mraz).

Juliet & Shawn (Psych)

I chose this song not just because her name is actually Juliet... but because it has a childish flair that is just so Shawn. Check Yes, Juliet (We the Kings)

Leopold Fitz & Jemma Simmons (Agents of SHIELD)

I had the hardest time choosing a photo for this one. Because there are SO MANY that I love. I've pinned SO many gifs and clips and pictures and paraphernalia of them, it's slightly ridiculous. This is my OTP, I'll go down with this ship.
You think the statement in this photo is a bit excessive? Nope. It's the truth. 

First Child? Algernon. First Dance? Arms (Christina Perri) it's so insanely perfect, if you know them at all.

And let's not forget the bromance couples!!!

Merlin & Arthur (Merlin) / Shawn & Gus (Psych)

And because there will NEVER be a time when I am tired of seeing this video... BROMANCE!








Yep. There you go.

Cloaked in Confidence.

"Alayna is our queen, cloaked in confidence."

This quote, voiced by my roommate Liz, has become part my dorm identity.

When I left my laptop open in the living room, I should have known that my roommates would change my profile picture... and they did. But unlike poor Marissa (whose profile picture turned into a stock-photo of a young boy picking his nose), my profile picture became the Queen of England.
 
Why? Because, I am "The Queen, cloaked in confidence."

Yes. I'm confident. I think highly of myself. I'm awesome.
I remember sitting next to Eliza in a Young Woman's lesson about self esteem (my favorite lesson topic, incidentally), and the leader asked (in her most approachable and careful tone), "How many girls do you know who wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and say I'm beautiful?"
Eliza and I shared a look. Because we both knew the answer. I did.

And then the leader pointed to the whiteboard which was covered with heart cut-outs with  little words in the center. Words like "beautiful, graceful, artistic, athletic, creative, intelligent," and "kind." Our sweet young women's leader asked each girl to chose one word that described her.
I had a dilemma, but it was very different from the problem facing all of the other girls in the room.
They couldn't find a single heart that described them.
I couldn't find a single one that didn't.
So being the hilarious person that I am, I walked up there and chose the word "humble." Little giggles broke out across the room because everyone knew how ridiculous my choice was. They know me. They know what I think of myself. And it was legitimately funny. I've always treasured that memory, and that little paper heart is one of the few relics I brought with me to college, tucked almost out of sight on my magnet board.

I'm not particularly vain about my appearance, but I am the kind of girl who can't resist a mirror. I noticed this more as I came to college, where there's a full-length mirror in the hallway of my dorm. Every time I walk down that hallway, my head automatically snaps to the side so I can catch a glimpse of myself as I pass by. I don't stop and stare. I don't consciously acknowledge what I see. But I can't help but think, "Not bad." or "Yep, still look'n good." 


Alayna is our Queen, cloaked in confidence.

I get the occasional eye roll, but it's more likely that people will envy my confidence.

And then, one weekend we played "True Colors."
It's a fun game, and I highly recommend it (and I'm not just saying that because I won by over 20 points). Each player is assigned a color (no orange, or that definitely would have been me). A card is read with a prompt like, "You need some quick cash. Who would you turn to first?" and everybody votes using a colored card. Before we look at the results, each person puts down a +,0, (both three points) or ± (one point) based on what we think the votes will be (if you will get the most, least, or at least one vote). I was the only person brave/confident/conceited (take your pick) enough to consistently think I would come out on top of (or get absolute zero in) the ballots and my friends often cater to my confidence, so I really raked up the points.

And then came the question, "Who would you most like to see with all their barriers down?"
I put zero.
And when the votes were cast.... all of them were for me. (except, you know, mine, because you can't vote for yourself.)

I was was fairly taken aback. I always thought I was honest, up front, and frank. I didn't think was hiding anything.
I asked for an explanation, and got one.

"It's just... you're our Queen, cloaked in confidence. So we don't know how you really feel about anything."

Cloaks are good, right? They keep you warm. They protect you.
I've always liked my cloak for these reasons.
I've always thought my confidence was a blessing.
I never knew it was a barrier.

Do people feel like they don't really know me because of it?
Do I distance myself from others because of it?

One time a roommate asked if I wanted a certain guy to kiss me.
My instinctive response was, "He wouldn't dare."
And I think I was right.
I can be really unapproachable.

I've written posts before about how I don't feel close enough to certain people. Is my cloak a factor? Am I really that closed off? Why did this little moment in a silly game upset me so much?

Because a small part of me knows that it's all a lie.
Maybe my confidence is just an act, a projection to hide my inborn uncertainty.
Because under this cloak, I'm just a frightened little girl shivering in the sudden coldness of a gigantic world full of choices and possibilities and darkness and mistakes.

I'd rather hold onto this illusion of grandeur. A Queen, cloaked in confidence is much better than being another sad little nobody.

Maybe I keep my cloak because want to be different, I don't want others to see... that I'm just like they are. Scared and alone in the great big world that holds our futures.


I act scary, Mike. But most of the time? I'm terrified.

It takes two to tango, but I don't know how to dance.

"I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say." -Flannery O'Connor

In my tongue-and-cheek high school days, I sometimes called myself the "relationship professional... in a strictly observational capacity."

Because I thought I'd seen it all. I saw my friend trying to keep all these guys happy. She was asked to the Homecoming Dance three times, so it must have worked. But it was also a lot of unnecessary stress and bother. 

I knew I didn't want to be like that.

I had another friend who was basically cornered into a relationship. He pretty much professed undying love via text and asked her to be his girlfriend. She'd never had a boyfriend so she figured, why not? 

Their "relationship" lasted 3 days. And the funny thing is that they were both in my biology class, and if she hadn't told me, I never would have known that anything had happened between them. 

I knew I didn't want that. I don't want a relationship just because of its novelty. I don't want the guilt of possibly breaking someone's heart just because I wanted to "try it out." I don't want something that only exists in the winky-faced short-handed messages of the internet and texting worlds. 

Another friend had a major crush. We shipped it. And waited. We thought he was flirting. It turns out that he was in a long-standing relationship with a girl who was.... not great. She tried not to show it, but I know my friend was devastated. 

I didn't want that to happen to me. 

So I settled deeper into the sidelines, and waited for the right moment to jump into the game.

the game.

the game the game the game.

It is a bit like a game, isn't it?

I wasn't there when they explained the rules, and everyone was kind of in the middle already so I said, that's cool, I'll just jump in next round.

But the game never really ends. 

I still don't know the rules, though I've been watching my whole life trying to figure it out.

 Suddenly I realize.

 I started playing a long time ago. 

And not just that....

it's my turn.

People are watching and waiting for me to make my move.

And I'm absolutely paralyzed.

I've had a Facebook since I was 13 and a half. 

But I've never set my "relationship status." 

I thought of changing it to "single" when I turned 16, but decided against it. 

I planned on setting it to "single" once I came up to college, but... forgot. I guess it wasn't important to me. 

Now I'm almost afraid to change it. 

The older I get, the more I appreciate the wisdom of my youth. For lots of different reasons. 

 I was happy waiting and staying out of the game. 

But something changed. I grew up, and I grew tired. I was just a little bit jealous. 

Oh White Crayon, be careful what you wish for. Wishes may bring problems, such that you regret them. Better that, though, than to never get them. 

... but is it really?

I'm not boy crazy. Never have been. I've only ever had... two? crushes in my life. Only one that really counts. And that went... absolutely nowhere. It was more like, Hey, I realize that you are a quality individual, and that we have several similar characteristics. I wish you would ask me out. 

And I went to his mission farewell, and that is it.

I've only been on a handful of dates. But most of them were fairly enjoyable.

Aria had to walk me through dating etiquette when I was lined up with an RM over Christmas break. Did you enjoy the date? Then you have to text him a 'thank you.' Not right now, but sometime tomorrow. 

And it worked for her, so.... (Though apparently, the guy I was lined up with got engaged a week later...)

I came in late to Mission Prep the other day and telepathically communicated with Marissa, before grabbing a seat in the isle against the wall. I happened to sit next to Brad Wilcox's (my teacher, be jealous) son David, who is, by the way, gorgeous. We exchanged some small talk after class, while I was waiting for Marissa, then parted ways. Marissa was sitting next to a friend from her stake, whose roommate, in the brief moments between when I walked into class and when I sat down, thought that I was attractive. They toyed with the idea of setting us up before Marissa's friend chickened out. 

Honestly, I was pretty taken aback. I think I'm pretty. Sometimes I even try. Other people have told me that I look good, but they are usually parents, girls, or old people. But a boy my age told his friend, who told my friend, who told me that he thought I was attractive.  It just seems so foreign. 

When I went to EFY two summers ago, I wondered if I was anyone's COW (Crush Of the Week). It was just some absent-minded musing, really, and I dismissed the idea as highly unlikely. 

And then some kid I barely knew (not even in my company) told me I sang like an angel and asked me to the Mormon prom in his stake, 800 miles away. 

I have the highest opinion of myself. I think I'm pretty great.

When someone else agrees, it really surprises me. Especially if that person isn't a relative, friend, or roommate with a special obligation to like me.

"Take chances! Make Mistakes!" 

"I don't know how to waltz, but I'm willing to learn."

Oh, Mrs. Frizzle and my past self... I don't know if I can follow that advice. 

Alayna, you've got to give the poor kid something!

But what? 

What am I supposed to do?

 I don't want to fake my own feelings

 or hurt his.

 I don't want to do anything.  

I was a relationship professional... in a strictly observational capacity. But now my eyes have gotten hazy and nothing is clear.
Things are up close and personal.
Off of the sidelines and into the game.
(Out of the frying pan and into the fire.)

Just for fun.

I think Google is scary sometimes (that's for another post).

But you have to admit....
This things are pretty dang cool.
One step closer to Harry Potter's talking portraits.

Fun Fact

I end up sounding like a whiny teenager in most of my prayers

Help me with this project. Help me to sleep well. Help me to get better, help me to do well, help me to get this done, help me to understand... help me to remember....

help me

help me

help me.

My realization of this fact, coupled with my new calling as part of the compassionate service committee, has made me change my prayers a little bit. 

Oh, I still ask for a LOT. 

But I make sure to ask God to lead me to someone I can help.

In the past 2 weeks, I've had 7 different people ask me how to get somewhere on campus.

I know that this is an answer to prayer because no one in their right minds would actually ask me for directions... I'm no good at that.

And yet, I haven't led anyone astray.

 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

(Ether 12:27)

So that's cool.

Beastly Almost Carbon Footprint.

I wrote a essay about RTC and reducing your carbon footprint this week. Well, they were giving away 20 iPads to the winning essays... so I did it. I could post it here as proof of completion but you really don't need it and it isn't very interesting. So there we go.

Other thoughts.

Beauty and the Beast (The Musical) is TOTALLY like Phantom of the Opera... if Gaston was actually a good person.
Observe.


Think about it....

Belle/Christine is a beautiful young girl in a new place, with a doting (though dead, in Christine's case) father who is elemental putting Belle/Christine in the situation that starts the play's plot line. (Christine's father taught her about the "Angel of Music," and she meets the Phantom at her Father's grave. Belle takes her father's place as a prisoner in the Enchanted Castle.) Belle/Christine lives in the castle/secret underground place for a time, then Gaston/Raoul got a group of people to attack the stronghold of the Beast/Phantom. The Beast/Phantom lets them come in without much resistance. Raoul/Gaston attempts to kill Beast/Phantom but Belle/Christine stops him. Somebody dies, and the rest live pretty much happily ever after. (...does the Phantom actually DIE? I'm not actually sure. But there you go.)

Beast/Phantom is horribly disfigured, and is isolated because of that. He is the master of his Enchanted Castle/ Opera house. He sees Belle/Christine as his only hope.He kind of obsesses over her.

Roses. And mirrors.

The Beast asks Belle to take the mirror with her to "remember him." Insert song, "Think of Me."

Common people don't really worry about Beast/Phantom until Belle/Christine wanders around. Then he's a murderous, scary, big deal.

Gaston and Raoul are both really fit men. And awesome.

Anyway. That's that.


And one more thought.

To be "almost" something, is to be nothing at all.

I am "almost" everything. 

To "almost" win is to lose.

To "almost" get it is to miss.

To be "almost" chosen is to be forgotten

To be the runner up is fall short.

To be a nominee is nothing. 

I sometimes feel like I am doomed to be forever "almost."

A Day Without Sunrise

There was no sunrise here yesterday.

I thought it was strange. (someone should sue me for the over use of that word)

On my walk to my seminary carpool, I've become used to seeing the sunrise.
Yesterday there was no sunrise. No clouds. Not even a highlight of the rising sun. The entire sky was a mass of even gray. No variation. No color. Just a dusty gray. (Literally. We later found out that it was caused by dust in the wind)

Given what happened yesterday, I can't help but see this as a metaphor or symbol.

Yes. The Boston Marathon bombing.

I... don't want to write the facts, so here's a link. Basic Facts

What does this mean? I'll tell you one thing. Gun Control isn't the problem. If it were, this wouldn't have happened. No. The problem is that there are people out there who just want to hurt others. People who want to kill people. And they are always one step ahead.

It's sickening. Frustrating. 

What can we do? Pray for the victims, punish the culprit. Learn what we can. Wait for the next disaster. 

This is my third disaster.

Aurora Colorado, 7/21/12 

Sandy Hook Elementary, 12/14/12

Boston Marathon, 4/15/13

There have been more. But these are the ones I remember. I remember what I was doing that day. I remember who told me, or how I heard it first. I remember the facts, and how they kept changing as time wore on. I remember the victims. I remember the murderers. I remember asking why.
Why. Why do people kill? What could possibly push them this far? How depraved must that person's mind be... to plan such destruction. When will it happen again?

And then I get to thinking like this.

 

There is so much WRONG with this world. 

 One man's heartache is another man's headline.

And then someone said this.
"You want to know why. This may sound cynical, but here's why.
It's because of the way the media reports it. Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single *victim* of Columbine? Disturbed people who would otherwise just off themselves in their basements see the news and want to top it by doing something worse, and going out in a memorable way. Why a grade school? Why children? Because he'll be remembered as a horrible monster, instead of a sad nobody.

CNN's article says that if the body count "holds up", this will rank as the second deadliest shooting behind Virginia Tech, as if statistics somehow make one shooting worse than another. Then they post a video interview of third-graders for all the details of what they saw and heard while the shootings were happening. Fox News has plastered the killer's face on all their reports for hours. Any articles or news stories yet that focus on the victims and ignore the killer's identity? None that I've seen yet. Because they don't sell. So congratulations, sensationalist media, you've just lit the fire for someone to top this and knock off a day care center or a maternity ward next.

You can help by forgetting you ever read this man's name, and remembering the name of at least one victim. You can help by donating to mental health research instead of pointing to gun control as the problem. You can help by turning off the news."

And then I heard this.

And I remember.
The world can't be as bad as it seems.
It can't.
Because in this world of horror, depravity, and darkness...
You and I live.
We carry on.

We pray. We love. We nurture.
We teach correct principles. We learn of forgiveness.
We are children of God. All of us.
All of us.


"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light"-Albus Dumbledore.

We are the light of the world. You and I. The helpers. The heroes.
Darkness is nothing more than the absence of light.
As long as we are here, as long as we don't give up, darkness cannot win.



I didn't see the sunrise that morning. The colors didn't shine through. But this doesn't mean that the light wasn't there.

Self Portraits of the past

I remember freaking out about having to do a self portrait this year. I did a rather fantastic blog post about it. (Learn To Look)

As much as I love this picture, I took a few liberties. I styled my hair as it naturally fell... but in a way that totally hid my ears. Ears are ugly and hard to draw. So I covered them. 

This is the resulting picture. 

I remember freaking out when I had to do a self portrait in Sophomore year. I must have mixed the skin tone 5 or 6 different times. I completely re-painted the nose 4 times. When I finally hit the right color for my skin, I finished it within 20 minutes. I didn't put nostrils in, because I was afraid to mess with my perfect skin color. And then it was done. 

This is the resulting painting.

 Here  is what I DON'T remember. A fourth grade self-portrait done in watercolor. It's messy, childish, streaked, blotted, and all of the pencil lines are still showing. 

And I love it.

 I found it when I was digging through Elementary School stuff. This is the only picture in which I was brave enough to show my ears. Probably because I didn't know enough to care that they wouldn't come out quite right. I drew my nostrils. 

I wish I was as brave as my 9-year-old-self used to be. 

Nice little trip down memory lane.

Time is a legal tender.

Time is a legal tender.

When you do something wrong, you have to pay your debt to society with time spent in jail.

When you work you spend time to earn money.

Time is money.

Lots of people are thrifty with money. Is anyone really thrifty with time?

Our time is spent and wasted more than any other resource we have.

Time is the great equalizer of us all.

It doesn't always seem like it, each of us only have 24 hours a day.

The same amount of time is given to each of us daily, but we spend it so differently.

How we spend time determines how much we have left.

If you spend time exercising, your time is likely to be extended.

If you spend your time making bad choices, you can limit your future use of time.

We shouldn't waste money on useless things, and we shouldn't waste time on it either.

I love you, this many dollars worth. 

LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E

Time spent with family will multiply happiness. Time spent in other ways dwindles into nothing.

Time spent in education helps you to grow. And an education will be with you for all time.

Money can't buy me love... but time well spent always will.

You can't buy time. Once it's gone, it's gone.

You never know how much time you have.

Eventually you will be bankrupt and you'll have to answer to God.

How did you spend your time? 

Dear Alayna.

Dear Alayna,

Dear Alayna, you should probably stop talking... no one is listening.

 

Dear Alayna, how did you get that wrong? You studied that!

 

Dear Alayna, if you could be less of a klutz, that would be much appreciated.

 

Dear Alayna, no one wants to guess what movie that quote was from. 

 

Dear Alayna, what you just said? That was pretty stupid.

 

Gee Alayna, it would be really nice if you could keep track of something for once in your life. Why do you keep losing things?

 

Dear Alayna, that was dumb.

   Dear Alayna, don't laugh so loud!!!

 

Dear Alayna, this silence is awkward, and you're not helping!!!

 

Dear Alayna, since when are you tongue-tied? 

 

Dear Alayna, If you would show up on-time for something every once in awhile, it would be a freaking miracle. 

Dear Alayna,I thought you were better than that.

Dear Alayna, that was mean.

 

Dear Alayna, don't try to give advice... when you don't actually know anything.

 

Dear Alayna, you really shouldn't have said that.

Dear Alayna,

 

Dear Alayna,

 

Dear Alayna, 

 

Sometimes I talk to myself, but I don't always say the nicest things.