Lawyer Jokes

*Disclaimer* I know a lot of people who are Lawyers/ are related to Lawyers.
I know that there are exceptions to every rule. I still like to tell Lawyer jokes. They are my favorites! If you are offended by this post... I'm sorry. But it's my blog. I can say whatever I want.


For my Birthday, I got this game, where you piece together words to make a Newspaper headline, and try to rack up the most points. In this game, Lawyers are worth NOTHING!!!...
...just like in the real world.

Here are some fun comparisons.

For those of you who didn't know, a "Urologist" is a specialist that focuses on people's urinary tracts,  a Lawyer just dishes out "bull crap."

Go psychics!

Well, it isn't much, but there you go.

Awesome.

Even a politician- --pardon my French-- is worth more than a lawyer.
Which totally goes against one of my favorite sayings. If your kid grows up to be a doctor, it's from your side of the family. If he grows up to be a Lawyer, it's from the other side of the family. If he grows up to be a politician, he was switched at the hospital. 

Even Hollywood has SOME worth.

Mans best friend is NOT his lawyer. 

Even a "by proxy politician" is worth WAY more than a lawyer.

Courtroom prejudice.

Ohh... only 5 points for the wife... 

This makes sense too.

Finally, and equal match.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they're boring.
Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?
A: A jury.
Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: Their lips are moving.
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.



Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.


AND LAST, my new personal favorite...
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.