Cloaked in Confidence.

"Alayna is our queen, cloaked in confidence."

This quote, voiced by my roommate Liz, has become part my dorm identity.

When I left my laptop open in the living room, I should have known that my roommates would change my profile picture... and they did. But unlike poor Marissa (whose profile picture turned into a stock-photo of a young boy picking his nose), my profile picture became the Queen of England.
 
Why? Because, I am "The Queen, cloaked in confidence."

Yes. I'm confident. I think highly of myself. I'm awesome.
I remember sitting next to Eliza in a Young Woman's lesson about self esteem (my favorite lesson topic, incidentally), and the leader asked (in her most approachable and careful tone), "How many girls do you know who wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and say I'm beautiful?"
Eliza and I shared a look. Because we both knew the answer. I did.

And then the leader pointed to the whiteboard which was covered with heart cut-outs with  little words in the center. Words like "beautiful, graceful, artistic, athletic, creative, intelligent," and "kind." Our sweet young women's leader asked each girl to chose one word that described her.
I had a dilemma, but it was very different from the problem facing all of the other girls in the room.
They couldn't find a single heart that described them.
I couldn't find a single one that didn't.
So being the hilarious person that I am, I walked up there and chose the word "humble." Little giggles broke out across the room because everyone knew how ridiculous my choice was. They know me. They know what I think of myself. And it was legitimately funny. I've always treasured that memory, and that little paper heart is one of the few relics I brought with me to college, tucked almost out of sight on my magnet board.

I'm not particularly vain about my appearance, but I am the kind of girl who can't resist a mirror. I noticed this more as I came to college, where there's a full-length mirror in the hallway of my dorm. Every time I walk down that hallway, my head automatically snaps to the side so I can catch a glimpse of myself as I pass by. I don't stop and stare. I don't consciously acknowledge what I see. But I can't help but think, "Not bad." or "Yep, still look'n good." 


Alayna is our Queen, cloaked in confidence.

I get the occasional eye roll, but it's more likely that people will envy my confidence.

And then, one weekend we played "True Colors."
It's a fun game, and I highly recommend it (and I'm not just saying that because I won by over 20 points). Each player is assigned a color (no orange, or that definitely would have been me). A card is read with a prompt like, "You need some quick cash. Who would you turn to first?" and everybody votes using a colored card. Before we look at the results, each person puts down a +,0, (both three points) or ± (one point) based on what we think the votes will be (if you will get the most, least, or at least one vote). I was the only person brave/confident/conceited (take your pick) enough to consistently think I would come out on top of (or get absolute zero in) the ballots and my friends often cater to my confidence, so I really raked up the points.

And then came the question, "Who would you most like to see with all their barriers down?"
I put zero.
And when the votes were cast.... all of them were for me. (except, you know, mine, because you can't vote for yourself.)

I was was fairly taken aback. I always thought I was honest, up front, and frank. I didn't think was hiding anything.
I asked for an explanation, and got one.

"It's just... you're our Queen, cloaked in confidence. So we don't know how you really feel about anything."

Cloaks are good, right? They keep you warm. They protect you.
I've always liked my cloak for these reasons.
I've always thought my confidence was a blessing.
I never knew it was a barrier.

Do people feel like they don't really know me because of it?
Do I distance myself from others because of it?

One time a roommate asked if I wanted a certain guy to kiss me.
My instinctive response was, "He wouldn't dare."
And I think I was right.
I can be really unapproachable.

I've written posts before about how I don't feel close enough to certain people. Is my cloak a factor? Am I really that closed off? Why did this little moment in a silly game upset me so much?

Because a small part of me knows that it's all a lie.
Maybe my confidence is just an act, a projection to hide my inborn uncertainty.
Because under this cloak, I'm just a frightened little girl shivering in the sudden coldness of a gigantic world full of choices and possibilities and darkness and mistakes.

I'd rather hold onto this illusion of grandeur. A Queen, cloaked in confidence is much better than being another sad little nobody.

Maybe I keep my cloak because want to be different, I don't want others to see... that I'm just like they are. Scared and alone in the great big world that holds our futures.


I act scary, Mike. But most of the time? I'm terrified.