Imperfect Prism

I am a shape of many sides, 

some of which you must despise

since cowardice and cruelty hide

among my many faces.

Impertinence and anger too

stand to join the motley crew, 

but I would name them all for you

if I could make them sound like graces.

Someday I'll take you by the hand,

imperfect prism that I am, 

and somehow make you understand

the reason for these faces:

The world, this unforgiving sphere

helped put my ugly faces here,

but light through broken prisms near

throws color in far, dark places.

And maybe when you finally see

the many different sides of me,

you'll learn to love me honestly,

and fill my sad heart's empty spaces.

Three Weddings and a Funeral

Aria’s Vegas Wedding Reception

In some ways, it felt like it was more mine than hers (I made the playlist, both slideshows, 'oked' the final decorations, helped mom write the agenda, typed it up for the MC/DJ, and provided all of her accessories).

Actually when I say it like that, it sounds like I'm turning into the main character from my favorite rom-coms.

In which case I end up with James Marsden. And I am very much ok with that. 

Aria asked me what shoes she could borrow, and I graciously opened my hoard. But the thing is... Spencer is only slightly taller than Aria, so she was reduced to wearing my silver sandals (coincidentally, the same ones I wore to her wedding in Hawaii). 

Aria couldn't wear heels... so Eliza and I decided to both wear 4-5 inched ones. ;)

We sang "For Good." It was a little unpracticed, but still good. Ya. Still good. 

We danced. We talked. We partied and smiled. We didn't do a lot of clean up because many of the decorations would be recycled for Ari's wedding two days later. Instead I ended up talking with the Crists, a couple that was married the same day as our parents.

They watch Doctor Who. We geeked out.

She wants me to write her son on a mission in Portugal.

Arranged marriage number 5.

Ari’s wedding

I was the flower girl bridesmaid, protecting the bridal bouquet with my life. It was a LONG day. 

I know it was technically my second time being a bridesmaid, but it felt like the first. People asked me to DO things and be responsible for important wedding stuff. *Note to future people: Do NOT ask a bridesmaid to do stuff. Bridesmaids are busy taking pictures and looking pretty and anticipating what the bride needs before she articulates it. I say this in all seriousness. Ask me to keep track of vases? I'll forget them on the temple grounds (yes. That happened). Ask me to roll out the carpet for the isle? And how exactly am I supposed to do that when I'm walking down it 5 seconds later? Think about it.*

Holding the bride's bouquet? That I can do.

I really liked taking pictures as bridesmaids and with the groomsmen. We didn't really do that at Aria's because we were all just family. There were a couple of great ones that I hope to get eventually. *Note to future self: Brides are busy people and pictures aren't really the foremost thing on their minds. Have patience. You'll see them eventually.*

Grandma's Funeral

I saw cousins I haven't seen in years. It's amazing how much some people have changed... and how much some people have stayed the same. 

My mom often says that funerals bring people together in ways that no other event will. Not everyone will come to a wedding or mission farewell, but EVERYONE will come to a funeral.

I loved seeing everyone, and spent some quality time laughing and playing with some of my cousins. Others... I don't remember speaking to. Funny how that works out. The viewing was full of music and memories and family. It was good... even though it dragged on. 

The actual funeral was very much the same: full of music and good, even though it dragged on.

But I didn't cry.

Not even when we sang Aloha Oe and wheeled her casket down the isle. 

No, the only time I teared up was when I mentioned being hungry and someone accused me of being insensitive. So in essence, I cried because I wasn't crying, and realizing this made me cry even more. 

I was a mess that day for all the wrong reasons. Urgh.

We took a family photo, the most complete one ever, probably. My great uncle even photo-shopped out some of the headstones. Thoughtful of him.

We took age-group pictures. Eliza insisted that I join in on this one, even though it's her age group and not mine. Everyone in my age group is on missions. I never thought I'd miss Michael so much.

TJ and Roma's Wedding

We had car problems on previous trips to Utah, so this time we rented a van.
Sorry, I should have checked to make sure that you guys were sitting down before sayings something so shocking, but it can be safely assumed that you were, since you are probably reading this at a computer.

Thomas Blackham married Roma Marie. Different people know both of them by different nick-names, so no one knew what to call them or what names to address the card to. I guess I'm kind of glad that my name is fairly nick-name proof. ( Sorry Aria, 'Layn' is never going to catch on.)

But it was time well spent with people I love (and that includes our little jaunt to Fantasy Con with Marissa), and nothing is more important than that. 

We decorated the car, which Eliza and I instigated and was carried on with enthusiasm by about half the wedding party. There's no WAY they didn't notice when we all left suspiciously for that hour...
It was my third wedding in a week, but the ONLY one that had a decorated car. I'm glad we did it.

What did I learn from this fantastic flurry of events?

I learned that it is not impossible to request 10 days off of work, so make time for the things that matter. (It helps if your supervisor is recently married and part of your reason for leaving is a wedding.)

I learned that it all boils down to people. Bridesmaids are there to support their friend, the bride. The guests are there to honor a friendship between some member of the wedding party. The wedding party throws a gala to celebrate this special moment with all of their friends. 

In the end it doesn't matter if the car looks stupid or the wind blew down all the fake floral decorations. It doesn't matter if you cried for the right reasons, or that the Relief Society had 15 different types of funeral potatoes at the luncheon. 

At the end of the day, the person beside you is the only one who matters.
It's the person you'll be embarking on a new life with.

The person who held you up as buried a loved one.

It's the person who has been beside you time and time again.

These are the people who matter.
That's what three weddings and a funeral have taught me.

Almost Emmalie

I wrote a letter for my roommate's birthday this week, so that counts as my writing. But she asked me not to post it... so I guess this means that I'm just publishing this post to taunt you (Elizabeth Burdzy).
BUT sometime this week I'll do a "Three weddings and a funeral" post, and that will be super cool.
So stay tuned.

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Emmalie just gave me permission to "do whatever [I] want" with her letter. So here it is.

Emmalie Arntz is opportunistic.

Most people wait for opportunity to knock… but you built the door. Do you want to know why I’m super convinced that you are going to be a successful musician? (Other than your remarkable talent and incredible song-writing ability, of course.) It’s because you create your own luck. You are a go-getter, a networking pro and unafraid to put yourself out there. 

Emmalie Arntz is loving.

You take the time to love. I was McKenzie’s roommate, but I don’t know if I was ever her friend. Of course it was a weird situation and she made it clear that Kaleb was her priority… but you still took the time to be her friend, more so than any of our other roommates could manage. This may come as some sort of a shock, but I’ve never had a boyfriend. (There are several reasons for this, most of them including my own inflated self-image and inability to talk to guys.) So it was a bit of a culture shock for me, having you in my life. You were beautiful, talented, and unafraid to mix and mingle. My idea of a perfect Friday night was watching Merlin (and not the person, I’m not creepy). You? You went hiking, stargazing, singing, dancing, and … eating. It was remarkable. And intimidating. No, I never came home crying or needed a hug like you sometimes did, it’s true. No, I was never hurt or dumped or … dated at all, really, so I was spared a considerable amount of heartache. But… I also never came home singing euphorically, bursting at the seams because of a perfect date, or a first kiss, or a DTR as you did so many times. You excel at living life to its fullest. It isn’t the easiest way to live, and you get just as much heartbreak as happiness, but it’s the perfect way for an artist such as yourself to be. Your loving nature fuels your creativity and adds truth and depth to your songs. It suits you. And it’s wonderful.

Emmalie Arntz is playful.

It was never very safe to wear sweatpants – especially my camo pajama pants – because you had a little bit of an obsession with pantsing people. Odd? Yes. But endearing. Remember how we laid down on the ground of the in the Young Hall foyer in opposite directions and watched each other’s mouths move, pretending they were upside down? It sounds stupid when I try to explain it, and it probably was. But I’ve almost never laughed that hard. Or remember when we started a Google+ Hangout, even though we were sitting right next to each other? We added silly hats and distinguished mustaches to the screens and our laughs echoed and multiplied through the tinny computer speakers? We were surrounded by an endless round of maniacal laughter and when people with worried looks came to check on us, we just laughed harder. And then there was that one time you wanted me to listen to one of your new songs, but you couldn’t stop hiccupping. I’ve never known anyone who could hiccup through a song and still sound so good. So props for that. Thanks for silly moments like that.

Emmalie Arntz personifies bravery.

I don’t think I’ve hiked as much in my entire life as you did in our first year of college. You are the adventurer. Remember that one Friday night, just shy of midnight, that you burst into my room and roped Marissa and I into playing Fugitive? I’ve pretty much never run so much in my life, and never hope to again. ;) We trespassed through a construction zone, hopped a fence, and almost made it to the Mazer building without being caught. Or that time you sang harmonies with your favorite band in an intimate concert and got invited to the stage? I don’t know a single other person who has the guts (or pipes) to do that. But you, my dear, had both.  

A lovely, fleeting thing

Did you see the double rainbow?
or the colors in the clouds?
It's possible you didn't,
they left as the sun went down.
And I know that you were busy;
Still, I wish you could have seen
because a double rainbow is a lovely, fleeting thing.