Weddings and failure

Dear Future Me,

I can see how people hate weddings. It's not the wedding itself or the people involved... It's what planning the wedding does to the people involved. I never knew there were so many things you could disagree about. Envelope sizes and tie colors, the thousand tiny details... no one attending the wedding will ever notice or remember, but these are the things that haunt the wedding planners, creating tension and rifts.

Alayna, be kind. Be thoughtful. Be the first to assume the best in people and never take anything personally. Miscommunication is the common enemy of us all. Be patient. 

Take the time to talk about something else. Remember that the lives of everyone involved are important too, and you don't just stop caring about them because someone is getting married. It's healthy, therapeutic even, to talk about different, normal things. When you fight about stupid little things, it's also important to have quality communication to balance it out... no matter how small and insignificant your words may seem at the time.

It will all be alright.

And when the time comes? Don't be too busy to enjoy the moment you helped create.

-Alayna

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Dear Future Me,

Sometimes you work really hard at something, and it doesn't work out. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. So, honey, you're just going to have to live with it. I know how highly you think of yourself and that the two hardest words for you to piece together are "I" and "failed." But sometimes you have to face it, own up, and move on.

Yes, I failed. But life goes on (in endless song, above earth's lamentation...) and so must I. My favorite movie is Meet the Robinsons, and one of the greatest moments from this incredibly quotable movie is when one of the characters says, "From failure you learn. From success? Not so much." Sure, failure isn't my favorite teacher, but he's an effective one.

You just need to know that... it's ok. It happens to everyone and it's part of being human. It can be fixed. Maybe you can't do it alone, so don't hesitate to rely on the people around you who offer to help.

I failed. I am not perfect. I still have a lot to learn. And I am ok with all of these things.

There now, that wasn't so hard.
Hang in there, girl
Love,
Alayna 

Uncertainty.

Uncertainty is that weird bearded uncle at a family reunion- you  know you should embrace him, but it makes you uncomfortable to do so.

Nothing will come of it.

Nothing will come of it.

I sat next to two handsome guys every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Torrin and Brandon were RM’s from Brazil, friendly, and funny. Torrin is a male cheerleader with a motorcycle. Brandon is slightly younger and snowboards. We joked together and held study sessions for two hours or more every other Thursday. They offered to give me rides home… mentioned movie nights… we agreed we should do something “fun” sometime. My roommates wondered why I never took them up on any of that. I said I was busy or just blew it off saying, “nothing will ever come of it.”

There was a kid named Max who moved into our ward in Winter Semester. He was tall enough to dwarf me, had a loud, deep voice, and was fun to be with. I just kept running into him, and I sometimes wondered if he sought me out some of those times. He sat next to me in Sacrament meeting once, out of the blue. (I got SO many bewildered Snapchats and questioning looks.) He came and sat at our table during the ward banquet… but I was in the middle of a roommate group, we were just watching the slide show, and I wasn't feeling very social, so he got bored and left. I didn’t blame him. I asked him on a date to hike the Y because I was falling behind the dating goal I’d made in Mission Prep. It was a really fun date, and he kept mentioning movies I hadn’t seen and saying, in an off-handed way, “We’ll see it sometime.”  7 days from the end of the semester? I doubted it. My roommates shipped it for a month, then decided I could “do better” which I found humorous, because I wasn’t “doing” anything at all. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering, “what if…?”

A couple of times (exactly two, don’t get too excited), I heard that such-and-such a boy thought I was attractive or had a crush on me. I shrugged my shoulders and nonchalantly said out loud or to myself, “yeah, but nothing will ever come of it.”

And all of this leads me wondering -three days from the end of the semester- if maybe I was wrong. Maybe my persistent insistence that “nothing would ever come of ‘it” actually ensured that nothing did. No, I was never hurt or dumped or … dated at all, really, so I was spared a considerable amount of heartache. But… I also never came home singing euphorically, bursting at the seams because of a perfect date, or a first kiss, or a DTR.

90% of swimming through the social pool… is being willing to jump in.

What it means to sleep

It's funny. Psychologists still can't agree on what the "purpose" of sleep is. Some say it's a deeply rooted evolutionary habit (sleep through the dangers of the night, live to see another day), and nothing more. Others see it as a mental "reset" button, a necessary escape, and a mental break. Still others are simply baffled by the miracle of it all. During sleep you experience periods of paralysis, deep and shallow levels of awareness, and other interesting REM sciency stuff.
It's always been incredibly handy that I can practically fall asleep on a whim. Yes, I sleep deeply and I can fall asleep quickly, but I don't posses any sort of "super natural" power to do so. Sometimes ease into alertness but keep my eyes closed in the imitation of sleep. Sometimes my mind is ready to be awake but I just can't bring myself to ... move. Not yet, anyway. I know that EVERYBODY does this to some extent and from time to time.
Besides,
Sleep is such a great excuse. It's the "period card" of the normal world: a valid excuse to get out of almost any social activity, excuse to be a bum, and assurance to be left alone. People will interrupt you if they see you reading or listening to music, or doing virtually any other activity, but they will always let you sleep.

But what fascinates me most is  what can happen when someone thinks you are asleep.

I heard some closet conversations. Dear Aria, no one falls asleep that quickly. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop...
 
But it was simple and sweet, and I liked hearing it. I knew I'd eventually tune it out and fall asleep, but it was nice to lay there and let it lull me to sleep.

And sometimes you hear things that you were never supposed to hear. Something you never expected or didn't want to. A restless roommate, punching her pillow at 4 in the morning... and then something like a sob. I didn't want to, it wasn't planned and I wasn't prepared... but it happened. And it's strange to think how little I know the girl who sleeps less than 10 feet from me every night. How totally powerless I was to help her. But I can't erase that intimate moment, when I saw her hidden pain.

Absolute and childish peace falls on the faces of those who sleep. And it's beautiful. The deep rhythmic breathing, or the funny contortions people sometimes fall into. I hate to be like Edward Cullen, but there's something therapeutic in watching someone sleep.

When others are asleep, the cares of the world are erased from the lines of your face.

When you dream (Too bad you can't get exercise through your dreams) your mind betrays your obsessions, fears, and hopes.

When you snore. Well.... ;)

What a strange thing sleep is.

Faithful old flip phone

If my phone could talk, I'm pretty sure it would say this:

"Hey, I noticed you haven't charged me in a while. I only have one bar of battery left, but that's cool. I'll be good for a couple of days."

"I've developed a sudden interest in photography. I hope you like the 50 pictures I took of the inside of your pocket."

"This is the one I'm most proud of. It actually looks better than most of the pre-set backgrounds. Oh, you set it as my main background? I've never been so happy!"

"You got a text from an iphone. No, I can't tell you who sent it. Or when. But you'll be fine..."

"Ouch, you dropped my on an ice-rink. It was, like, a five foot fall onto the ice, my battery popped out, and then your visiting teaching companion fell on top of me. But pop me in some rice and I'm sure I'll be fine."

"I'm pretty much indestructible. I may look like I'm made of plastic, but it's more like titanium. So don't worry. I won't let you down."

"Am I embarrassed that you painted my front cover with orange nail polish to set me apart?....*cough* of course not."

"Remember how I keep saying that I don't have enough room to receive any more text messages? I don't actually mean it. So read on! But um, if it isn't too much to ask.... you could maybe delete some of the old text messages? You know, whenever you get the chance."

"Hey Alayna, did you notice that I can autocorrect to spell your name right in a text message? I thought you'd appreciate that."

"Oh, you typed in the numbers for the word "or?" I'll autocorrect it to "Oq," which is obviously, a more common word."

"Nobody else can get service with their smartphones in this crowed football stadium? Psh, whippersnappers. Amateurs. I got this."

"Three vibrations is a text message. Op! That was four! Now it's five, quick before you miss the call!"

"Next? I think you mean ndxt. Let me autocorrect that for you."

"Um... I hate to bring this up, but I've been on one bar of battery for a couple of days. Could you maybe, charge me now? No? Um, ok I'm sure I'll be fine."

"Oh. I'm almost out of battery and you're calling your mom. Here's a warning beep."
"Did you hear it?"
"Did you hear it?"
"Oh, gee. I really hope I can keep this up, I've never dropped a call on you before."
"AH! Sorry master, I have failed you! I mus- ca- sorr- !"
*charged for 20 minutes*
"Hey, I'm good to go for a week or so now. What's new? I missed you!"

Departing dialog

I'm a child with a loving family. Do I have to leave my home?

Yes, you truly must.

I love my roommates and college friends, may I linger here?

No, it's time to go.

The world is so large, and I'm so small, how can I take this step?

Your course is set, the time has come to take a leap of faith.

I want to be forever here, where I am comfortable, where I am loved. Why must time pass on?

Because you must progress.

I'm happy here. Must I move on?

You'll find greater joy at the journey's end, don't stop now.

My heart is weary from the walk, I think I must stay here. I can not take another step.

Haven't you been listening? There are better things ahead!

Yet I am weak. I cannot journey on.

Silly child, don't you remember? You needn't walk alone? His strength is ever with you, if only you will ask.

What I'm (not) missing.

"Bye ______. "
I said, "See you later,_____."
But he walked away in stony silence, which was so unlike him. I pointed it out to her (how strange it was).
"I must have done something to upset him!" was her instant conclusion.
How absurd, I thought. "He's probably just distracted. Don't worry about it."
But she did, and she texted him when we got back to the apartment. This part is paraphrased because I don't have actual texts, but it's pretty dang close.
     "Is everything ok?"
"Not really."
       (various other text messages ensue until he tells her what's up.)
"You were happy tonight and I wasn't the cause of that happiness.
When she showed me this text I had a really irrational surge of anger. No. That's not ok. What is she supposed to do, apologize for being happy???? No, just no. That's not friendship. That's not romance. That's stupid, pig-headed selfishness disguised as affection. That's playing the victim and preying on her sweet temper and irrational inclination toward feeling guilty.
     More texts ensued, this time with the occasional input of a third party adviser on her part.
She wrote a well-crafted (mostly by the third party, who said that this was how HE would like to be rejected), thoughtful, and honest... rejection of his affections. I didn't even know he thought of her like that. Did I mention the fact that it's 2 am? Because it is. And she mentioned that she should go to bed two hours ago, but the texts just kept coming. (Mom and Dad, thank you for my flip phone and my limited minutes.)
     The final text was something like, "When you get married, I want to meet your husband so I can see the man who finally made you happy."

I didn't say anything, but I sort-of turned into a mini rage monster.
People really shouldn't do this to each other.

Not only am I not involved with any guys around here (it ain't a pity and it ain't a shame), but I really miss the hints and clues about my roommies' crushes and boyfriends until it's a big thing or flared and ended.
We live side by side, and yet our hearts are strangers.
In this respect, at least.

I hate not understanding. But I would also hate dealing with the crap that I've seen so many guys put my friends through. So I'm still in a good place.