Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if people like me nearly as much as I like them.
Most of the time I don't think that it's possible.

No names. No explanation. Just all of the things that I want to say but can't.

Do you know how much I miss talking to you? We've never had many classes together and this year is no exception. I only ever see you in passing. Never long enough to really talk. I know about some of the things you are doing, and we talk about that. But I never get to know how you feel about it. I would crusade for your cause, but I don't know how you feel about it. I just want you to be happy, and you never let me know. No one knows. It's kind-of killing me. You've always been a happy, mild person and can put up with a lot of stuff. I don't want this to be an excuse for people to walk all over you. I think I worry about this situation more than you do. I wanted to tell you some news, but couldn't. You seem a lot farther away than you are. This is our last year of High School, and after that, who knows? I'm trying to savor all of the time I have left with you. We compliment each other in crazy ways, and our friendship is something I am lucky to have found and will be forever grateful for. Sometimes I feel like you are a better version of myself. I'm snatching silver moments with you, knowing that some day they will be golden. Sometimes it makes me physically sad to think of all the things that will never be the same.

I see you almost every morning, but haven't really talked to you in ages. I didn't notice that your hair has grown much longer than I've ever seen it before. I think it looks god, but haven't had the chance to tell you yet. I feel guilty that I haven't noticed before now. You are one of the best people I know. You are going to marry the next prophet, no joke. You are the most spiritual person that I know, but sometimes I pity you. You put a lot of unnecessary restrictions on yourself. You seem to be happy with the way you live, but I can't help but think of all of the fun and important things that you miss. I think I know you really well once, but it's been awhile. I wish I knew you better. I wish I could really talk to you, but it seems like too much time has passed. I don't think we will ever be as close as we once were, and it really weighs down on my heart.

I've known you since we were very little. I remember the play dates and everything. We re-connected in High School. We've grown closer. You are the person I spend most of my day with, and I am so grateful for it. Still, I don't feel like I really know you. I just found out what you want to be when you grow up, and where you want to go for school, but you weren't the one to tell me. If I don't really know you, then who do I know? YOU know who you are. YOU stand up for yourself like none of my other friends do. You are strong and determined, and sure in the path you have chosen. You don't put up with crap from other people.You don't know how much I admire you for that. You aren't Mormon, but we share a lot of the same values. You make it easy for me to be a good person, and have the strength to be myself and say what I think.

We've only been friends for a little while. You have some crazy ideas. You don't let people walk all over you. You are comfortable with who you are. We don't always see eye to eye, but we both respect that we are entitled to our own opinions.We used to talk a lot. Now we don't have the opportunity. I don't think that you have ever considered me a close friend. I'm sorry about that. I wish I knew you better. I wish I could find a way to keep up a relationship. It's tough.

You are a family friend. But I've always seen you as a personal friend. We have a lot of things in common, and I love that. You know more about me than most people because you are one of the three people that read my blog. Your example is what inspired me to blog in the first place. I feel like I can see who you really are, which is something I can't say about any of my other friends. I love this connection... but it will never replace actually talking to you. You were the first person I talked to about my first date. You talk to me about your dating stuff, something no one else does. Your presence is always a comfort, and it feels like you belong here, with me and my family.Circumstances have come up and messed with you in ways that are unbelievably frustrating, but you let it roll off of you. You don't know how much I admire you. My heart hurts for you in the things you have to go through.

I used to be close friends with the two of you. Then you both moved away.When did you dye your hair? I saw your senior pictures and noticed how different things are now. You were my childhood friend. You were the first person I really "hung out" with. We used to talk on the phone for hours. I visited you once, and our friendship picked up just where we left off, but now I've lost you again. I see your old house, and always think of your family. I miss the friends we used to be. And you,where did your adorable birthmark go? I didn't know that you have heart-problems. I always planned to visit, but it never worked out. We aren't so far away as it seems, and we have had opportunities to meet, but haven't done for years. Your brother is married now? So much has happened. We used to be great friends. I once thought that your phone number was my student number, because it was the only number I had completely memorized at that age. Now I've lost you.

You are my role model. I am sometimes in your shadow. Sometimes, people think that I am you. I'm not, and never will be. I grew up with you, but now that we have both grown up so much, I see you as such a different person. An amazing person. I love you. You were always a family member, but now I see that you are a person too. I have seen a different side of you, and I know you on a different level. We don't communicate a lot, but when we do, it's always loving. I look forward to electronically following you on your adventures.

I'm always looking out for you, do you notice? I love you a lot. But we are VERY different people. Sometimes you say hurtful things. Sometimes I try to bully you into doing something, even though I know you don't want to. But that is part of what we need to do. Sometimes I need to hear something, even though it's hard, and you are the only one who will say it. Sometimes you need to be pushed out of the nest, and I do it. But most of the time, we are closer than either of us realize. When the time comes to push us apart, I know that we will miss each other more than we realize. Sometimes you surprise me with what you say -how you feel. I can tell you everything. I usually do. I worry what you'll do without me, but I love and trust you.

I've always seen you as the stereotypical girl in those High School Hollywood movies. You have never been without the attention of guys, as long as I have known you. I might have envied you. But you opened up to a mutual friend, and I don't anymore. Sometimes I pity the way you choose to live, and sometimes I envy it. You are still one of the smartest, sweetest people I know. You are very accepting. You are very loving. 

 The rest of you. Maybe I don't know you very well. But I know you well enough to know that you are a good person. I smile at you when I see you. I'm honestly glad to see you, and I'm truly glad to know you. But I know that I don't really know you, and probably never will. This fact is always saddening.

It is physically and emotionally impossible to know all of you like I want to.
 I want to know your secret aspirations.
 I want to be there for you in your hard times.
 I want to get to know you for the precious souls that each of you are.

But I can't.
I'm lucky to know you in the way that I do, but I wish for more.
These people are so important.
And most of them don't even know.

I really love all of you.
I don't think that any of you know how deep, or how important it is to me.

Do any of you feel the same?

In this life,I can never know you the way I want to.
But Jesus already does. And God always has.
They will love you unconditionally, and know you better than you know yourself.

I know that they love me more than I can ever know.
And that is how I get through the hard times.